Reflections on 2009

Reflection Questions for 2009

I got these questions from Heather. I didn't think it would be too difficult. They are making me think, though. I think I'm ready for a new year!

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

The single best thing that happened this year was getting to "move in" to this house. At the start of the year, My parents and my boys and I were living here together. In a two-bedroom condo. It was very difficult, to say the least. They bought a house and moved out, and then our 'household goods' were delivered by the military. After getting out of the Navy, having a place of our own again was the biggest - and best change possible.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

This could be a toss-up. I could say that living with my parents was challenging. I don't want to sound ungrateful, though. If they hadn't taken us in, we would have had nowhere to go. But it was also a blessing. I want to say that again. It was a blessing to be able to live with them while I put my life back together.

Okay, challenging. I think that the most challenging thing this year was actually moving in. When I lived in military housing, I had a three story, three bedroom house. This is definitely downsizing. And ten months later, there was a lot of stuff that I had forgotten about -- and a lot of stuff that I really didn't need. It took a long time to get rid of the stuff we didn't need and everything that the boys had outgrown.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

An unexpected joy? Hard to think of, really. It has been a tough year. And all of the things that have happened have been planned. Not many surprises at all.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

An unexpected obstacle was how hard it has been to find friends. I'm 26 years old. This shouldn't be so hard. I thought that once I moved here, I would find people and be able to make new friends. Didn't happen. Then I believed that when I started school I could make friends with my classmates. That, too, hasn't been so easy. So all of my friends are either too busy, or too far away. I wish "they" could just figure out teleportation already. Then I could visit some of my other friends, and they could visit me.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.

boring, lonely, demanding

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Well, no spouse. My parents maybe? They were here with me for half of it, and they know most of what I've been through since they moved out.
I think they would say emotional, financial, and difficult.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).

My parents again? Nah, I'll just skip this one.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Hmm. Most of the books I've read this year have either been romances or re-reads. There have been a few worth mentioning, though. The Memory Keeper's Daughter. Barefoot. Can't wait to get to Heaven. True Compass, Senator Kennedy's memoir (still in progress). Hmm. A very short list. I do learn a lot from reading, but most of my reading is just to pass time, or "escape" when I am stressed.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

This year I haven't had very many relationships. I still love my Navy friends. Some of us will be friends, near or far, forever. I treasure that, I just need more people closer to me. This year wasn't really my year for friends, new or old. This year my most valuable relationships were with my parents. For most of the year, they were the only people that I truly had - aside from those that I have in the land of the internet.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Hmm. Well, in January I lived with my parents, had no job, and very little hope. Now I am in school, I have my own "space" and I am hopeful for the future. BIG changes when you think about it.


11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

Well, when I lived with my parents, there wasn't really anyone I could relate to, and no one (besides them) that I could talk to. Since they moved out I have been even more alone. I have had to learn how to handle that. Some days it is still hard. . . but I am better at handling my emotions and taking care of myself (alone) than I was a year ago.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

Hmm. Well, I still haven't been to church - or even found one. But I think I have become a little closer to God this year. It comes easier when you can find more of yourself. I've been pretty closed for a long time. About six years. Those of you who know me well will know why. There have been many times over the years that I have tried to come back to Him... but something always happens and I find myself without hope or faith. This has been a hard year, but I still have hope. I have faith, and I am looking forward to getting back to a full relationship with God in 2010.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Well, I'm not going to talk about pounds. Yet. I didn't lose what I wanted to this year. Last December I thought I was ready. I thought I was un-depressed enough to get motivated and get in shape. I wasn't. I'm still out of shape - on the inside and outside of my body. In 2010 it will change. I still have emotional days, but I am getting more friends. My house is put together. And even better things are coming on the horizon. I am confident that this year is my year. I get my life back. Graduation, Vacation, a job . . . and a healthier body!

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I don't know that I grew with other people at all. I have felt very far from others this year. Most of the year - even when I lived with my parents - I have felt alone. It has just started to change. I hope that 2010 is going to be a much better year. I'm not going to hold my breath. But as I said ... I have hope.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

Ha. That's easy. The most enjoyable are was getting a home! When mom and dad moved out, the place became mine. And once I started finally getting everything "done" that felt great, too.

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

Moving in. Seriously. It was exciting, but overwhelming, too. Remember the part about the three-story three bedroom home? Seeing all of that stuff come in here on day one was very overwhelming! Then I had to go through the looong process of getting rid of the crap. I had to let go of the things we didn't need anymore. . . And find a place for all of everything else. It has been very challenging - and it took a long time! I'm there now. We're at the "maintenance" stage of cleaning and organizing. It can still get out of control, but the boxes and piles of crap are gone. This is much better.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Facebook. I have gotten a bit addicted, but I guess that's because I don't have the opportunity to go out with my friends. So I try to keep in touch in the internet world. Then there are the games. . . and when I am on the computer, I don't feel as alone or overwhelmed by housework and homework.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Moving in. Cleaning and Organizing. They all go together, and it took a long time, but I am so happy that I did it. I am also thankful to everyone who helped me get it done. Mostly dad, but mom helped a lot too . . . and my Jennifer. I might still be without a floor in my bedroom if it weren't for her motivation, help and support. I love you!

I will say that my sister M helped, too. Not that she was here and did anything... it was more the idea of her. She is very critical, and after I moved in, I wanted to be able to show that things were different. I'm happy to say that when she came to visit recently, the house was done - unpacked, organized, and clean. I was not embarrassed. I was proud. So I guess it worked ...

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

Sometimes things happen, sometimes you have to make things happen. I am trying to make myself be more proactive. I can make things happen, not just sit and wait and hope for them to happen.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.

This isn't a perfect life, but it's our life!


........


Well, that's it. I'd love to hear from any of you about what you think ... or read your answers to the questions. I know that 2009 has been a long, tough year for a lot of people. So let's all look forward to 2010!

A giveaway!!!

I am posting this to tell everyone . . .

I've mentioned my friend Heather. She has a blog, alis grave nil. She has been an inspiration to me. She encouraged me to start writing ... and the blogs that she writes are honest and thought-provoking.

She is currently offering a giveaway. I encourage any of you to read her blog. You may want to enter for a chance at the giveaway - it's a hand-crocheted blanket. I'd rather that you didn't ... because I would love it! But I'm sure that you will love her blog!

Alis grave nil

More from me soon.

I can't believe . . .

That it has been so long! I keep thinking about blogging. There has been a lot going on. And a lot that I would like to share with you... But still, I haven't been here.

I just realized that it has been since Thanksgiving! So much has happened. Well, I won't post a whole month here all at once. It really flew by - and it was great! I really do want to start blogging more often. Perhaps it will help me feel less lonely. I still wonder if anyone actually does read these blogs, but it doesn't really matter. The important part is that I write them.

Well, anyway. I'm back. A new year is about to begin, and I intend to stay here. I'll be blogging activities, feelings, and news to . . . whoever!

Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon!

Thanksgiving ... long weekend, long blog ...

Thanksgiving week . . . And what a week it has been! I know that it has been longer that since I posted, but I couldn't come up with a meaningful topic - especially since the topic of my last blog has continued to weigh on me. I'm working on that. Really.

So, originally I was afraid of this week. I've had a lot going on - a lot of issues, a lot of emotions, and really long to-do lists. So this week of no school, no daycare, and lots of get-togethers made me anxious. Overall, it has gone great!

I kicked it off on Wednesday with a visit from "My Jennifer". She has always been my Jennifer. I keep in touch with quite a few people from High School ... I even Facebook with lots of them. Jennifer is the only one who has always been there. Through Boot Camp, getting married, moving, getting divorced, and everything else. For several years in there I only came home once a year. You lose a lot of people that way. But every time that Jennifer and I would get in touch - either by email, phone, or a visit - it was like we hadn't been apart. There was a lot of catching up to do, but our friendship was never affected by the separations. So, anyway. Jennifer came over. First we got dinner (Taco Bell) and then we talked. I have had a lot going on, and she was there for me. My emotional issues have also held me back in the moving department. Yes, I know that I moved in June. The biggest problem has been my room. It's just such a monster that I hadn't been able to tackle it. I go in and change, or go to sleep. One thing at a time, while talking through other issues, Jennifer helped me clean my bedroom and bathroom. With her there helping and asking me questions, it seemed like it wasn't so hard - and it didn't take very long, either. Since then, I have felt good going in to my room. I don't get a headache just walking in the door. It's truly a "space" for me! Thanks, Jennifer!

Thursday was Thanksgiving. The boys and I had a lazy morning. I think we were awake by 7:45, out of bed at 8. We had breakfast and watched the parade. I was very excited, only I think last year was better - we had the use of Mom and Dad's DVR, and we could pause and rewind! I don't watch much TV these days, but when I do, I sure miss that! We enjoyed what we saw, though. . . The boys love watching people dance and sing. I would have stayed for the end of the parade - especially since everyone is usually late to my Grandma's house, and "dinner" isn't typically until about 3... But I was called at about 11:20. Everyone was there except us. So we went, and missed the rest of the parade. But the rest of the day was a hit. Z didn't eat anything, but the food was great. M, D, J, Z and I all left right after dinner to take food to my other grandparents' house. They live less than a mile away, and they were all by themselves, as the rest of the family had other plans for the day. So we took them food, visited awhile, and then went back to Grandma's house (my dad's family). Everything was cleaned up, and one aunt and cousin had already left. Once we got back and had some pie, it was time to go. Sort of. M, D, Gma, and one of my aunts went to Red Hawk to "play" for a little bit. At this point, it was just me and a cousin left - and our kids. They played and we talked. When I got ready to go, I packed the car, loaded the kids, and left. I drove to the other grandparents' house to deliver some cookies - remember that I said it's less than a mile away - and by the time I got there Z was passed out. I started the drive home with some soft music on, and in just another few minutes, J was out, too. It was 6:20 pm. When I got home, I carried them in the house and put them down in the playroom. I didn't think it was late enough for bed. Despite all of my efforts, Z would not wake up. I took off his shoes and carried him to his bed. Jacob woke up halfway. He watched a movie and then I took him to bed. SO easy! It was awesome. It was a pretty good day, and a good night. I spent the rest of it quiet. Thinking and relaxing.

Black Friday is for crazy people. Seriously. I'm not one of them. I like shopping, but to me there is nothing that is worth that kind of madness. We stayed at home. I was afraid that Z was going to wake up at 5 am, but surprisingly he stayed in bed until 6:30. Then he crawled in with me for a while, and didn't ask me to get out of bed until 7:01. He was content to watch TV while I woke up. That was nice of him. Somehow he knows when I'm just not quite ready - like laying there in my bed for a half an hour. My original plan for Friday was to escape the crowds while still getting out of the house . . . at the Zoo. Sure, it was a great plan. Until I saw the weather.com forecast for the day. It was supposed to rain for most of the day. So I scratched our plans. We did go out to play for a while after lunch. I was upset that it didn't rain as predicted. We could have had an awesome day instead of a so-so one... At about 4 pm, we went to Old Navy. I figured that it was not where the BF action would be, and it should all be low by 4 anyway, right? Wrong. There was a TON of people there - the checkout line was fifteen people deep - and that's all I wanted to do! I guess I was crazy to take in a return on Black Friday, but I needed to get out, and it needed to get done. That's about it for Friday. I don't even remember what we had for dinner!

Saturday was Thanksgiving #2. We got up and ready to go to M&D's house in Galt. We had a little trouble getting out the door. It was arguing, tantrums, throwing things, and my blood pressure - through the roof! We finally got there in one piece, so it all worked out. The big surprise when we got there: a Christmas tree! And my dad had gotten all of the boxes out of the garage with decorations, ornaments, candles, and everything else "Christmas". It was fun for the boys, and exciting for me, too! Definitely a walk down memory lane. Many of our family ornaments have a story with them - an occasion, a trip, or someone made it - and we told the boys most of the stories. It was a lot of fun! When the tree was done, we had to get the boys out of the house for a while. We went for a ride, and then we ran, chased, threw, and played in a field until it was time to go. Why was it time to go? Not because the turkey was done, but because I dropped J. I was spinning him around, and instead of setting him down on his feet (I was dizzy too) I missed, and he dropped to the grass - face first. After five minutes of comforting, he was still upset, so we left. Dinner went very well, and included a great chat with my cousin C. Growing up, we were very close. Our moms are twins, and from the time I can remember, they lived about fifteen minutes away. C is six years older than me. As I grew up, she was the one I looked up to. She was busy, but when it's been important, she always listened - and has had great advice. Currently we are both single moms, and Navy veterans. I've still never gotten her attitude, though. She's always had a lot of confidence and a "whatever" that I still can't get. We had a great, talk, though, and I look forward to getting closer - now that we're adults, and both back "home" instead of around the world, or various parts of the country! All in all, it was a great day and a great night. The kids had a blast and were well worn-out. I put their PJ's on and started to pack up around 7 pm. We said our goodbyes and got in the car somewhere after 7:30. It worked out well. The boys were exhausted, and went to sleep in the car again. It's not so easy to get J into his bed (top bunk) but I did it! He must have been beyond tired, too, because he wouldn't wake up for anything! I tried about 40 minutes after we were home and they were in bed. . . I wanted to give him his medicine, but that boy was asleep!

The day ended up going so well that my parents and I decided that it would be a new tradition. The Saturday after Thanksgiving . . . Turkey dinner and a Christmas tree! I used to get upset about the way the holidays seem to get earlier and earlier. Okay, I still am -- One store started to put out Christmas stuff before I had even bought our Halloween pumpkins! That's a bit too early, really! But anyway I am less upset about starting Christmas - as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I say bring it on - I'm excited!

Well, that's about all for the big Thanksgiving weekend. Today was very mellow and blah. I did a lot of cleaning and decorating here, but we didn't go anywhere or do anything exciting.

It was a good weekend, but a little too long. There were moments when I didn't know what to do - especially in the mornings! Four at-home breakfasts with the boys... We got a little stir-crazy at times. Mostly, I'm ready to get back to my routine. I should probably be sleeping to get ready for my 5:45 alarm, but I'm not. I'm enjoying the quiet and the clean in the house. It feels good.

*sigh*

Time to go find my scrubs and climb in to bed. Goodnight, blog.



~ Thanks to anyone who actually read the whole post! Hope you all had as good a holiday week as we did! Good luck to your Monday. They're usually tricky after a long one ... I don't usually look forward to them, either. Might be another first! ~

Until next time,
J

Really? Hmm.

Hello, blog. Did you miss me? I missed you. . . Yes, I've been thinking about you. I've been busy, though. . . And lately, I've had the same problem as Heather. . . Do you remember? An old friend of my sister's that I have reconnected with. She got me started blogging because it has helped her so much. E asked her when she was going to blog again. She said she didn't know what to blog about. So he pulled out a random topic and she wrote about it. I can't pull topics out of thin air, so I haven't been writing.

Until today.

My ex-husband got married.

We were married in July 2002, and separated March 2005. It wasn't really a happy marriage, and I'm long over him. Okay, so I do still have some bitter moments every now and again. . . . but mostly, who cares? I don't miss him, or what we had. The biggest emotions I have are loneliness and anger.

So why do I care so much that he got married?

I don't know, really. Perhaps the biggest reason could be that he didn't even tell me. I saw one of those little popups on Facebook: Do you know XYZ? You have 2 mutual friends. . . It was N. I clicked on it, just curious. So there's his picture on the left, and right underneath our mutual friends is a random sampling of his other friends . . . and who do I see but the girl that was his girlfriend -- in a wedding dress, and she has changed her name! Hmm. When was this? Didn't even know that you were that serious. . . And, um, when were you going to tell me?

He left me and I felt like he didn't care, and wondered if he ever had. Most of the time now I still feel like he doesn't care about the boys. Okay, yes. He sent them birthday presents this year (pretty sure that she paid for them). He's joined the Army (leaves in Dec) so that he can start paying child support. And he has asked about Christmas. . . But that hardly makes up for such a huge chunk of time when he has done nothing for J and Z. He hardly knows them. For a very long time, he didn't call and didn't ask about them. For a period of time, I stopped calling him with updates because I wanted him to put forth the effort (and the giveashit) and ask.

Well, now he's married. Again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so I just got off the phone with my cousin. V helped talk me through it. Just because he got married, doesn't mean that he is happy. It just means that he got married. And she is right. . . it doesn't really change anything for me. Before, I was a single mom with two boys. Now I am a single mom with two boys. He still owes us child support. Getting married doesn't change that. So I got it. Take the information. Breathe in, breathe out. . . . And let it go.

My ex-husband got married. So what? Hey, that wasn't so hard.

So, to end. . . I am still a little bit surprised that they are married and I had to find out about it on Facebook. Perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised that he didn't call me, because to me he is still an inconsiderate jerk. But I am over it. It doesn't bother me, and it doesn't affect my boys. Now, a few words from Tanya Tucker : "Honey, you can have him -- I don't want him anymore."

*exhale*

~ J

The ABC's of me!

This one is from H. I, also, secretly love these things. They make you think about yourself, and when you read your friends' answers, you can learn things you never knew . . . So I guess as I blog more often, I will throw some of these quizzes in. I'll have fun, and you can all learn a little bit more about me. Be warned, though, that I never have one-word answers!

A – Advocate For: Gee, I have to be an advocate for something in the first one? This is difficult. I don't speak up very often and I rarely get on a soapbox. But I would say quitting smoking . . . Smoking is a dirty, nasty habit. It smells bad, costs money, and kills. There are a lot of other things that I think are important, but I don't talk about them often -- and I really don't talk politics. So we'll leave it at that.

B – Best Feature: Well, this goes in to the self-confidence . . . or lack of it. I don't really like any of my features! I've never liked my smile - first it was gappy and crooked, then it had braces, and then the Navy wouldn't let me wear retainers, so it's still not perfect. . . I don't see my hair or my eyes as anything to write home about. And the rest of me is a work in progress. I am still working on my weight, so nothing else is really a "good" feature.

C – Could do without: Temper tantrums. Seriously. We have waaay too many of them around here. If I never saw / heard one again in my life, I would be okay.

D – Dreams & Desires: Finishing school. Finding someone. Living a better life.

E – Essential items: Hugs. Comfortable shoes. Wipes. A book - no matter where we're going.

F – Favourite pastime: Reading, writing, watching TV, and doing fun things with the boys - like going to the zoo, park, or having an adventure.

G – Good at: Hmm. Editing? Is that a skill. I think so. I can spot a spelling/grammatical error from a mile away. Well, maybe not a mile, because my vision isn't that good. But they drive me nuts. Some say I should have become an English teacher, but I think I would have been too frustrated. And I hate dissecting and labeling everything. My College English class drove me nuts!

H – Have never tried: Skydiving. Oops, first I typed "sly-diving" which sounds like more fun. I'm never going to jump out of a plane, ever. This was part of H's original answer. I am stealing it because it fits. And I'm going to add Bungee jumping. Really. Will NEVER try! I can't really think of something positive that I haven't tried but would like to. We'll just leave it at this.

I – If I Had a Million Dollars: First: pay off my debts. I'm not seriously in the hole, but there are a few things - the Navy, for one, and now my school loans, and a few small things. It would be nice to start my new life without that baggage. Second: Pay off the house. It would be like a gift for all of us. It may not be our perfect house, but for now, it's ours, and it works. . . Third, I would buy a car. I know I have one, and it's paid for, but it's not perfect, and if I had a million dollars, why not? It wouldn't be something crazy or super sporty. Somewhere between a minivan and smallish SUV. It would be nice, and new, and mine. Lastly, I would take us all for a vacation. We need one. We could have fun somewhere all together! That's it. The rest of the money would be invested. I am not one of those crazy people that would stop going to school or quit my job. I would still live the same life - just debt free with a really big nest egg!!

J – Junkie For: Diet Coke. Raspberries. Cheese-flavored pretzels.

K – Kindred Spirit: I don't know. I still have hope that there's one out there somewhere, but I'm too busy with the rest of my life to care or look. . . Someday, maybe.

L – Little Known Fact: This one seems to be the hardest for me to answer. I've thought about a lot of things to put in here, but I second-guess myself, thinking that it's not really a "little-known" fact. Most people probably know that I miss the Navy and wish I was still in. Most people probably know that I am lonely, but do not miss being with anyone. Most people probably know that I love singing and dancing - and do everywhere, even though I have no talent for either of them. Maybe they're little known facts, and maybe they're not. Maybe you know me really well. . . . Guess I'll have to try and be a little bit more un-predictable.

M – Memorable Moment: Coming home from deployment. There is no feeling like it. Yes, it sucks being gone. Half of me was in San Diego while I was all over the world. But standing there, listening to the music playing, and seeing that crowd of people on the pier - everyone that we haven't seen for three months (or six months, I did two deployments) - it is an awesome feeling. You know that out there somewhere in the crowd they are waiting for you, and you're going to get to see them and hug them. Then you hear the shot, and cheers ring out, because everyone knows that the shot means we are home! I get chills just sitting here thinking about it.

N – Never Again Will I: Leave my children for weeks or months at a time. I miss the Navy. But I am so glad that I am here for them now. I have so many moments now that I would have missed if I was still on the ship. . . . Like the first day of Kindergarten, all of the Holidays, none of the Duty days . . . .

O – Occasional Indulgence: Lunch. Okay, I know I have to explain. I do eat lunch every day. But occasionally, I take myself out to lunch. Just me and a book. It's great. Usually makes me feel good . . . sometimes it's not so great to be alone, but with food and a book, it's okay.

P – Profession: Student. That's it. Hopefully soon I'll start my FWS job, working for the school. But for now, it's school, homework, and blah.

Q – Quote: Too many to count. Yes, I love quotes. They can make you laugh, they can make you think, and they can inspire you. My personal quote, everyone should know by now. . . It may not be a perfect life, but it's our life. I say it when I need to remind myself that it is okay that I'm not perfect and may not ever be. I'm just me . . . trying to be the best I can be.

R – Reason to Smile: J and Z.

S – Sorry About: That one thing. You know, that one time. With you know who. Sorry about that. I didn't mean it, but I'm sorry that I did that. . . . And H, I'm sorry I stole your answer. Again. It's a good one. Not specific about anything, it just sums it all up.

T – Things That Are Worrying You Right Now: MONEY! Always. And whether or not I'm really able to do this without screwing up these kids. . .

U – Uninterested In: (Disinterested in?) People who are famous for being famous . . . but have no real talent or skill. Or those who used to be famous but now do nothing . . . Lindsay Lohan, for example.

V – Very Scared Of: Well, I really don't do scary movies. I don't like driving in the dark, and scared of strange or creepy people . . . I'm very scared of falling. Not afraid of heights, though, or flying. Just crashing :)

W – Worst Habits: Worrying. Taking things too seriously/ too much to heart. I know I'm sensitive, but sometimes I can't help it. It's hard to let things go . . . And my very worst habit : procrastination!

X – X Marks My Ideal Vacation Spot: Disney - Land/ World / Whatever. I'm still a kid at heart, and I have always been a Mickey girl. Those girly-girls can have the princess stuff. I'll take Mickey Mouse any day! Any age, any era. Alone or with the kids, it's perfect!

Y – Yummiest Desert: I love cheesecake with fruit and chocolate on it. And fresh fruit pie. My sister would call it "slimy limp fruit" but I really love apple and strawberry . . . . Lately, though, the favorite is fresh berries (razz and black) with a sprinkle of sugar and whipped cream. Mmmm!

Z – Zodiac Sign: Cancer.

A night out!!

*** This is a picture of Dad and Z. This was taken a few weeks ago, but they were ready to go for a walk. The boys have their moments, but they do love their grandpa! They have always liked to go on walks with him. I'm not sure what it is, but it works. It's just their "thing" with grandpa - going for walks, and playing in the truck . . . Okay, that's enough of a picture caption! ***


So, today is Friday, and I got to have my first night out - without the boys - in a very long time! It wasn't a big deal, but it was also a very big deal :)

My cousin's wife was having a Partylite party. The plan was for me, mom, and dad to go . . . and to have a babysitter here with J and Z. Unfortunately, my babysitter has a Friday evening class. So that was out. I checked with a neighbor of mine whose daughter gets along great with the boys. . . and it was a no-go. So dad said that he would come out and keep the boys so that I could go. He doesn't need candles, he just wanted to go and socialize with everyone.

Well, it may not be a night on the town, but it's a night out without the boys. Adult company, conversation, and food - well, hors'd hourves (I'm pretty sure that I spelled it wrong. And yes, I'm the one who is all over every one else's spelling. Get over it - that's a tough word!) And I was excited!

I should mention that this was one of those Fridays when I had a million things to do, and cleaning the house and finishing the laundry was at the bottom of the list. I had car stuff to do (oil change/smog check) a WIC appointment, bra shopping, a stop at the bank, and I got called in the middle of all of that to take clothes to the preschool because Z had an accident. ** That almost never happens. When it does it's rare, and it truly is an accident. He's in the bathroom, trying to take his clothes off to get on the toilet - just not fast enough :( ** So after all of that, at the bottom of the list was lunch, dishes, laundry, and general picking-up. I did not get the house looking the way I wanted it to before it was time to pick up the boys!

So I got the boys, and came home. Had to veg for a few, and got dinner on. Dad got here and I served up dinner and headed out the door.

Even though more than half of the people at the gathering were "family" I almost felt like a stranger. My cousin got married to his wife while I was in the Navy. I wasn't there, and I still don't really know her very well. My other cousin came and brought his fiance. I have never met her before, and I'm not very close to either of these cousins. We grew up far apart, so it's just a little awkward. Anyway, moving on. They are still family, and welcome me regardless of how close we are or how well we (don't) know each other. . . . and I am grateful.

There were conversations about everything, a few games, and prizes :) We all nibbled, laughed, and had a lot of fun. Even though mom canceled at the last minute because she didn't feel well, I'm really glad that I went.

Here at home, things went pretty well. Dad handled dinner, took the boys for a walk, and played in his truck (they think it's the coolest thing) and got them settled down with a movie before I got home. There was one small meltdown while I was on the way home, but I still came back to smiley faces on their charts!

I don't think that we're quite ready for me to be out at bedtime or overnight, but this went well, and it really felt good. Thanks, Dad! I know it wasn't much, and it went fairly smoothly, but it means a lot!

~~~~~~~~

Well, for now, that's about it. And after this long day, it's definitely time for bed!
Goodnight, world :)

It's been a while . . . again!

I have a "link" to my blog in my internet toolbar. I see it everyday when I am surfing the net, facebooking, and doing my online homework . . . I think about blogging about things going on, and I just don't get to it.

I read yet another blog today by H, and realized that I really haven't been writing. When I write, I feel good. When people comment or email me about what I've written and how things are going for us, I feel really good. So I am going to try to be like H. I am going to write more often. I won't hope for daily, but it will be often. About little things. About how I'm feeling. About cute things that the boys are doing or saying. I promise. It's not going to be another month and a half until you hear from me again!

. . . . SO . . . .

A lot has happened in the last month and a half, but not a lot has changed. Does that make sense? I hope so, because it makes sense to me :)

Well, my most recent post was about needing a desk. It was a big deal to me - to help clean up the house, organize, and have a place to study and do my online classwork. I think my desk is beautiful. Maybe soon I'll post some pictures of the desk - along with its clutter. . .

I also have the house a bit more cleaned up (most days) than it was before. If I had any friends that lived close by, I would invite them over and not be embarrassed about it. That's big. Except for my room. We're still not going to talk about it. . . especially since the boys' room mess has moved in to my room. It keeps their room clean and clutter-free while I focus on getting them to go to bed better.

Some days the house gets by me, and I focus on school, or just while away the time between class and picking up the boys. . . The next day (or the day after that) I have to try and catch up on everything. This is especially true on Thursdays and Fridays. I run errands, do laundry, dishes, organizing . . . and usually none of these tasks gets completely finished. Most of it is half-done. But I feel progress. And I am able to see a difference, so it helps me maintain, and keep trying to finish the jobs that I have started.

I know that this routine of falling behind and slowly catching up is not going to work for much longer. Soon I am going to start working. . . for the school that I am going to. Instead of coming home after class to have lunch, do homework, etc, and pick the boys up at 4:30, things will be much different. I will be picking the boys up at 5 pm, without having all of that time to myself in the afternoon. Time management and planning ahead are going to become important. I know this, so I'm trying to work on it now.

I am also trying to work on the boys' behavior. We have behavior charts, but I'm not sure if they're making any difference. They are learning to listen, but following through with what they are told is harder. The biggest obstacle is still bedtime. My stress level will be so much lower when they are able to lay in their beds and just go to sleep. . .

Hmm. Mid-August. What else is new? We have our first pets! Well, sort of. They are fish. It's been about two weeks now. We started out with four, then added one, and yesterday we had our first casualty. Doesn't surprise me much, because it was the fish that never ate any food . . . . If you know me, then you know that I would much rather have a dog. But for now, this is it. The fish don't require much. They look pretty, and the boys are happy.

I guess that seems to be about it as far as the updates are concerned. We've done a lot of things, and the boys have had good and bad moments, but overall things are the same. I'm lonely. Single. Mom. The boys are still cute. Dorky. Attitudish. Still live in the same place, and we're all still in school.

And just like I've said before, I'll say again . . . It may not be a perfect life, but it's our life!

That's all for now!

What I need. . .

I "moved in" in mid-June. Sounds funny, since I've been living in this house for a little over a year now.

Long story short, I (and my kids) moved in with my parents when I got out of the Navy. Then the economy tanked. Suck. A little after the first of the year, they started looking for a new place. For them. They were semi-looking before we moved in, but then stopped. But really, it was a buyer's market out there. They found their house. . . and moved in mid-June. Really, it's perfect for them. And so, ten months after arriving (with only a carload of stuff, since we only planned to stay a month or two) we finally got our stuff. Seriously, people, I mean everything. It was August. I was planning to stay here for two months. . . I hardly even brought any clothes. I didn't use my own sheets, towels, or kitchen stuff for ten months.

So anyway. The move-in was in June. I think I'm about done moving in. . . We just won't talk about my bedroom, okay? Thanks. Our previous house was in military housing in San Diego. It was a 3-story, three bedroom house. So the house had a lot of space, and a lot of storage. I used it. The condo we're in now is 2 bedroom, 2 bath. It was hard, at first, to fit everything in. The boys' room looks okay, but it is squished. Bunk beds will be needed when Z grows out of his toddler bed. Part of the reason for the squish-ness is the amount of closet space in there. It just doesn't allow for as much furniture. . . I am mostly happy with the living room. I don't have a very good TV stand, though. I can only open one door at a time because it's not strong enough to hold the TV up without support. . . . and there's not enough room for all of the movies that we have, so there's a bookshelf next to it. It can't really stay there, because when winter comes we won't be able to turn on the fireplace. . . but that's a puzzle for another day. I combined the dining room with a play area. For the most part, it works. I'm missing my books, but that's a discussion for another day, too. In the old house, I had two book cases of my books - not counting the encyclopedia - and books just sitting everywhere, too. The boys had a bookcase downstairs, and a bookcase upstairs. Most of my books are now in boxes, with no place to go. One of the book cases died in transit. The boys' small one turned into the video shelving. And the other one of mine moved into the boys' room. I miss my books. Think I said that, but it's worth saying again because I love books and I love reading.

So the reason for writing this blog is that Heather recently posted about her desk. It was a blog inspired by another blogger. Whoa. I might have to slow down here. The first blog was about organization, and asked for photographs and descriptions of readers' desks. Heather photographed her computer area, desk, and bulletin board. Then she described the significance of the pictures/ posters, and the uses of all that stuff. I happen to like stuff. . . Office supplies, knicknacks, pictures. You should have seen my desk drawer / desktop at work on the ship!

Anyway, the post got me thinking. There's a little something I need. Not office supplies. I've got enough cool stuff to last a while. . . but there's something else missing.

What I am missing is a desk. Since I got an internet connection at home, it has become a need. I used to sit at the table with my computer and books. I did homework, research, and worked in my online class. But the internet signals that I got were unreliable, and I was always nervous. Once I even lost signal during a quiz! So I finally got internet here at home. . . But I am also tethered to the wall! I sit in my chair. . .a very comfy one, but still. No room on my lap for the computer and a book. . . and it's hard to take notes. . . I need a desk!

I've talked to my dad about it. Even looked at several desks. I don't want to spend a lot of money. He doesn't mind helping because he doesn't want me to get a cheap desk that will fall apart before I even graduate. Okay, I get it. Makes sense. . . So where do we get a not cheap, not expensive desk? One that looks nice. . . Has storage. . . A file drawer. . . and room to work. . . It's proving to be difficult. I don't want it to be too big, since it has to go in the living room. Yes. Not ideal, but my room is full. Okay, so right now it's full of crap, but we weren't going to talk about that. Even once things have been organized, donated, and put away, there's no room in there. All of the crap that is currently taking up space is in front of the closets. So there's nowhere in my bedroom for a desk. There is a large stretch of wall here in the living room that is empty. The desk either goes there, or my chair and end table (with lamp and phone) move down the wall, and the desk goes in the corner. Two choices. Great. Now all I need is the desk. Ugh.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm picky. The furniture in my house doesn't necessarily go together. But i have some nice pieces. I want my desk to look good, since it's going to be in the main room of the house. That means hidden storage. A drawer or cabinet is a must-have. I want a file drawer to go along with that, too. Did I mention that I don't want the desk to look like crap? Yeah, that's important. And do you know what? I can't find it! Seriously. Target and Walmart fail. Staples lost the "easy button". . . and Office Max and Office Depot. . . if it's inexpensive, it's crap, or useless. . . and if it's nice and functional, it's either over $250, or it's huge. . . or both!

Ugh. Well, for me, it's just about time to go. Have to put everything away - school books, binder, and stuff - before I bring the boys home. I don't think they really understand why I read these books, or what I'm doing on the computer. They only use computers for games, and don't understand email or homework. Oh, well. We'll get there. Maybe it will be easier to show them when I get a desk.

Someday.

Still working out. . . or trying to!

As I talked about last week, I won't ever be a runner. I'm okay with that. I still think running is good, I just can't/don't do it. . .

I will say again that I am proud of Heather for running. . . even with everything else going on. I read her most recent blog today. It was about blogging and running. She loves getting comments on her blog. I do, too. It makes me feel like I'm not just talking to myself, here. And comments give me a confidence boost. . . Anyway, back to Heather. She's an old friend from the dancing years. Well, originally, she was my sister's friend. I was the younger one, looking up to everyone who was beautiful, graceful and talented. The little sister who loved to dance but wasn't very good at it. . . Anyway, she found me on Facebook a while back and I started following her blog.

She's been through a lot, and is still struggling. I thought I'd give her a little confidence boost. . . let her know that someone was reading her blog, and proud of her for running, on top of everything else - family, work, and a recent sprained ankle - while running!

The "comment" that I wrote for her blog turned in to more of a blurb, and it felt more like a mini-blog, so I thought I'd put it here:

I have bad ankles, too. First was dancing, then martial arts, and then the Navy, with all that marching and running. . .

Nothing has happened in a while, but I have plenty of memories of incidents like this - and worse! Be glad there wasn't a pack of people behind you... and yelling.

Being alone when it happens is bad, too. I just remember the crowd - Hey! I'm hurt here. Anyone want to help? Yeah, it sucked. They never stopped to help.

Good for you for getting back up, though. I usually just limped away. Out of class, or away from the PT session.

I think about running sometimes. Usually right after my shower in the morning when I'm awake and energized. That's when the boys are asleep, though. No one else in the house. When I get home from school, I've just been to curves. No desire to run then, or after my online class, when it's hot out. . .

Well, anyway. I guess this is less of a comment, and more like a long blurb. Oh, well. Hope the ankle gets better soon. Good job with the running!


****

So I am still going to Curves - with the exception of Monday and Tuesday. I feel good after my workout. So good that I wish I could do something else. . . but I don't have time. I have to come home and do homework and laundry and all that other stuff. There is a part of me that wishes I could be a runner. They always look so good. . . but it's never been me.

I still see no physical evidence of my workouts, except for the good feelings I get. It's a little frustrating. I know that it doesn't happen overnight, but still. I feel better. Shouldn't I start to look better?

So it's only been a few weeks. . . with days missed here and there for sick kids and school, I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm about ten pounds down from my heaviest. . . but that's where I've been hovering.

I am doing other things to help, too. . . Cutting out sodas helped for a while, but I replaced the sodas with tea. Just as much sugar and caffeine. I'm going to try sparkling water next week, since I can't drink too much water. I know it's good for me, I've just never been a fan. I need flavor. And a lot of the time, I need carbonation, too. I'm also trying to eat better, but it's hard. The boys eat "kid food". So most nights I eat a lot of fruits or vegetables, and try to have only a little bit of the dinner. Not easy when I've worked out and been busy busy, because it makes me hungry. I'm getting closer though. I know it.

I just have to remember why, and then it's easier to change the habits.
**I want to be healthy. ** I want to look good. ** I want my clothes to fit. **

I keep the goals in mind, and things do get easier. Someday soon I'll blog about being 15, then 20 pounds down. I'll get to that goal weight, and wear my clothes again. You know, all of those clothes from when I used to work out all the time, and it wasn't so hard. . . When I was in the Navy, before getting out. Someday I'll start blogging about what all of that was like - underway, deployments, and all of the people I miss.

Anyway, time for me to go. Still feel good from earlier, so maybe I'll take the boys to the park and do some real-world working out. . . . Maybe. And maybe I'll just go and take my book . . .


~ Janis

LATE. . . for the First day of school . . .

J is 5 years old. Should have started Kindergarten on Monday. Didn't. Today was his first day. How do you miss the first day of school? Easy. Be "sick" during a time when the schools are freaked out about every kind of illness that might be contagious. Okay, I get it. We have the Swine Flu coming, and at the beginning of every year, there are new kids with new germs. . . but really? Yeah, it's been a long week.

So, here's the story:

Last week, say on Thursday, I noticed some funny bumps on J's face. Weird, I thought. They looked like zits. There were only two, and they were on his forehead. I didn't think very much of it. . . Until Saturday, when he had more "bumps" - on his arms, and a few on his legs. Oh, great. We were out with friends, and I was just starting to wonder if this was something serious. The other mother said it could be a mild case of the Chicken Pox. Really? That would suck. But, wait. Wouldn't he have a fever and feel crappy if this was the Chicken pox?

Okay, so Sunday I took him to a clinic. He sure wasn't acting sick! Bouncing off the walls, goofy, and noisy. . . but I had to know if it was Chicken Pox or not, and whether or not he could go to school! Well, I do have to say that since I "suspected" Chicken Pox, they took us out of the waiting room and into an exam room really quick! Like, before we even sat down and got out a book! We still had to wait forever for a nurse, and then the doctor, but I appreciated not being in the waiting room.

So it turns out, he didn't have Chicken Pox. The doctor said that it was a "Skin infection". Um, okay. What? A skin infection can be caused by any bacteria that get inside your skin. Hmm, okay. Once it's in there, it spreads out. That's why he had bumps from his head to his legs. I'm not too confused as to how he got it, since he bites his nails, picks any sores he has, and is constantly touching his face, hands, legs. . . . What I don't get is why he couldn't go to school. Yes, technically it was "contagious". But, for another kid to get the same infection, they would have to get the bacteria from inside J's skin and put it inside their skin. I know kids are weird, but isn't that pretty unlikely?

Well, anyway. It was doctor's orders. No school. So, Monday morning, my Dad came over. I have perfect attendance, and Monday is a test day for me. So he kept J - actually, took him out, since he really wasn't sick, and J loved his grandpa's truck. It was tough to get Z out of the house, but we both made it to school on time -- and I got a 100% on my test! On Tuesday, my Mom came. Both days, J was very well behaved. . . until I got home. He didn't want to listen, and wouldn't be quiet. . . I couldn't get any studying done at all. So I decided that since he didn't feel sick, and didn't act sick, there was really no reason for him to be home any longer! He's on antibiotics, and the "bumps" are almost gone, anyway. Time to get him out of the house!

Today was his first day of Kindergarten. The plan was to take Z to daycare a little early, and then have some breakfast at McD's. Well, there's just this problem with making plans. Crap happens. The boys didn't go to bed last night . . . and didn't want to wake up this morning. It was one of those days that I just could not get them out the door! By the time we dropped Z off, we were running late. We had to drive through McD's and eat quick. I felt tingles as we got out of the car. I'm taking my "little man" to his first day of school! Just tingles, though. No tears. We walked to the classroom and he hung up his backpack. Put his nametag on, and I took a picture. All of the other kids were sitting down, and he joined them. After another picture and a quick "Bye!" . . . I was out the door. Surprisingly, I did not get emotional. I was just excited. I was a little bit nervous at first, but he told me on the way to the class that he remembered where the bathroom was, and his teacher assured me that she would see him to the bus for the first day. Guess those are two very important points. Don't pee your pants, and don't go home with a stranger. . . So far, so good.

Well, that was The first day of school . . . two days late, but still. He made it. One day down, thirteen years to go - but I don't think we need to tell him that quite yet. . . .

Guess that's it for now.
Until next time,

~ Janis

Still not a runner!

I have a friend . . . actually the same friend who convinced me to start my blog. . . who runs. You know, like in the morning, before work. . . "I was run-ning!" I don't do that. It sounds great, and I am happy for her, but I have never been a runner. She says she wasn't a runner, either. She just started running a few months ago, and some days she's still dragging herself. I'm really proud of her, but it's not me. Aside from the fact that if I ran in the morning before school, my kids would be home alone, there are also other issues.

I was in the Navy for seven years. I went to Boot Camp. But I always hated running. I could march till my feet went numb, but just did not want to run. I don't know exactly why. . . The jarring, maybe? The repetitive motion? Maybe because it's just boring? Whatever the reasons, I have just never been a runner.

There are more things to do to get in shape than run . . . walk, swim, go to the gym! For a while now, it has been time to start doing some of those things. I've spent a lot of time not liking the person in the mirror. It's really hard to get started, though. . . . Especially when you're dealing with so many issues.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I do have issues. I am a single mom. I've been working on moving in and getting organized. And for a long time, I've been depressed. This recent bout of depression started when I left my ship last May. I left the ship, my friends, my job. . . and I stood on the pier and watched them sail away. Then I did almost nothing at all while I waited to get out of the Navy. That's when I sank into a deep depression. When I moved here, and moved in with my parents, it was nearly as bad. I had nothing to do; no job, no purpose.

The boredom, depression, and overeating took their toll. I knew that it wasn't good for me, but never had the energy to do anything about it. I became more aware of my health and what I had done to my body when I started school again. And then I was ready to change it!

I know that I am going to struggle for a long time. Before the ship left, I worked out three days a week in port, and every day (sometimes twice) underway. . . I may not get back to that level again, but I will get that body back. Especially now that I have all of my old clothes . . . yeah, an entire closetful that I didn't see for almost a year. I will wear those clothes again.

So, for some good news. My parents don't even know this. . . I joined Curves. I might have joined a gym for less money, but I don't really like the gym. So much equipment. No routine makes it all too overwhelming. My aunt gave me a free week a while back . . . so I took it, and loved it! So, when my parents were on vacation, I joined. I didn't tell them, because I didn't want to hear any negativity about the money, or time management and studying. I'll tell them when there is a noticeable difference in my body -- or if they read this, I guess the secret's out!

Right now I feel great. I don't see any difference in my body yet, but I feel a difference in myself. I have energy, and it's not so much of a chore to go and exercise. The workouts are getting easier, too. I didn't go at all last week. . . I was just exhausted studying and taking finals.

I'm back now, and plan on going, and going, and going. Some days I feel so good that I wish I could do a second half-hour workout later in the day. I'm only down ten pounds from my heaviest, but with the changes to my eating habits, and cutting down on sodas, I hope to keep going down. Hopefully the physical changes will start soon.

Well, that's all for now. I hope it continues to get easier. Maybe someday they'll let me do two workouts in a day. . . For now, one workout and some good food is enough. . .

Maybe I would change faster if I did more, but I'm still not a runner!

Guess that's all for now!

~ Janis

What about Z?

I realized, in re-reading yesterday's blog, that I talked about a lot of things going on. . . but didn't mention Z at all. I can't let that happen, so this blog will be all about him.

Z is 4 years old. I can't believe he's so old. He still seems like my baby. . . Even though I know that he is not. He's growing all the time, and often says things that surprise me!

In his mind, he knows that he is growing up. But in his heart, he still wants to be little. You get to play more, and don't have so much work to do. He already knows that his brother is too big sometimes to play with me (piggyback, wrestling, or just getting tossed around).

Back a few months ago, he like being "little" and you couldn't call him a big boy, or say that he was growing up. . . because he would correct you and tell you adamantly that he was not big - he was little. He also called little things "Z- sized". If there was a small bite of something, or just a little bit left of a drink, it was "Z-sized" and automatically his. I miss that a little bit. . . but glad that he knows that he needs to grow up.

Next week, Z will move in to the 4's room (aka Pre-K) at the Daycare. He has been in the 3's since we moved last August. He will be leaving his teacher, but moving on. Learning new things. Making new friends. I think it is exciting. He's not quite as crazy about the 4's teacher (and neither am I) but I'm sure that we'll make it.

Another thing about Z: He loves me! I know that JR does, too. . . but I am glad to be able to say that I have a different relationship with each of my boys. Their personalities are different, so our relationships are different.

There's just one sad part -- aside from him growing up and not being so cute and cuddly (and tossable) anymore -- He doesn't have a dad who is present. The "Dad issue" could be a whole blog. . . maybe it will be soon. My point is that it's just me here - taking care of them, teaching them . . . I had help (and a safety net) when my parents were here. Now that they've moved, we have more freedom, and we all have our own spaces. It's easier overall, but also harder on me. More stress, and a bigger possibility of failure.

Z is so cute and innocent. JR is growing up. Every time I see how they're learning and changing I'm afraid I'm going to screw them up. I know that this post was supposed to be about Z since I neglected to talk about him yesterday, but here I am. Back on me and my insecurities.

Well, there are enough of them . . . but not enough time to put any more in this blog. It is the boys' story time. . . and then I want to do some more studying before I go to bed. I'm talking to myself, anyway. The pessimist thinks no one is really reading this, so why am I "talking" as if there is? Oh, well.

More next time. . . about school, the house, or maybe I'll even talk about N. . . . We'll just have to see what kind of mood I'm in and what comes out when I start typing!

~ J

Updates . . . and a few rants.

Well, wow. It has been over a month since I last posted. It's been a bit of a whirlwind around here. Since it's been a while, I guess I'll update first. Then, I hope I can settle in to a more regular schedule to blog about thoughts, feelings, and stuff that's happening.

So, just in general, things are starting to go well. Here's the nutshell:

We have bedtime issues. . . J is about to start Kindergarten. . . I just started a new term in school . . . The house/ job / financial burdens are finally beginning to ease.

Yes, we still have big bedtime issues, so if anyone has any good ideas, send them my way. We take a bath, put on jammies, and brush teeth. After I read to them, the lights are turned down and I close the door. It stays quiet for 2-5 minutes. Then starts the fighting and constantly coming out of the room. Have to go potty, need a hug, he hit me, why aren't you in bed, can I have a snack, etc. etc. And if it's not all of that, then they are in their room - being nice to each other, but playing, laughing, and not sleeping. Ugh. So tired. On nights when I have things to do, it's the in and out game. On the nights when I'm trying to go to bed, they're playing (and making a huge mess) and I can't sleep. I really am ready for this to end. I've even tried getting the daycare to keep them up from nap. A few times J has crashed on those evenings, but most of the time it's the same nightmare as usual, with the added bonus that they don't eat dinner, and don't play nicely during the evening. The next morning, they can't get out of bed. There have been several days that I've packed their clothes in a bag and carried them to the car in pajamas.

J starts Kindergarten on Monday! I am so excited. . . and concerned. I am worried that he's not ready. He is still so goofy. I wonder if he'll be able to sit still and pay attention. He has spent a lot of time this summer in the Kindergarten / First grade class and the teacher always tells me he does great. I know that he is smart enough - he just has to focus and follow through. There are other thoughts that I have about Kindergarten, too . . . like Wow. Do I really have a Kindergarten-er? I know it sounds cliche, but I remember when he was born and started crawling and talking. It doesn't seem like so long ago. . . Okay, enough of that. My other thoughts on school are about how hard it's going to be. School for my kids is going to be way different than it was for me. Our public schools are suffering more than anyone else in this budget crisis. I have heard some scary facts lately -- like this: 60% of the budget cuts were to schools! That's very scary! That's Art and Music programs, Physical Education (when our kids need it most) and funding for supplies. Yes, supplies. You would not believe the list that I got for a Kindergarten-er to start school. It was nuts. We bought it all, though. Sanitizer, wipes, 10 gluesticks, dry erase markers, highlighters, paper plates, etc. etc. The list was almost a full page - and most of it was for classroom / teacher use. It is upsetting. I am sure that the cuts are felt more deeply in the higher grades. . . Kindergarten, after all, is only a few hours a day. I can imagine what is happening at the High Schools right now. I have a friend who is an English teacher. I believe she mentioned having 40 students in a class this year. . . It saddens me, and I hope that other parents are concerned.

I also just started a new term in school. It happens fast. The terms are six weeks long. . . This is my fourth term. There are nine terms and an externship in the program. Each term contains two classes, or six units. One PT course (pharmacy technology) and one GE class. This term is Pharmacy Terminology and Sociology. I'm excited about Terminology. It's foundation knowledge, and seems to be easy. The term also comes with NO spelling tests!! I am not quite as enthusiastic about Sociology. It looks like it's going to be a little daunting. More work, research, and much heavier discussion topics.

More work + less time = extra stress. How am I going to do more, and do it right, when I was barely making it before? Hmm.

Well, it's not just about more schoolwork. I also have work to do now. I will be starting a work-study job at school soon. So there's more homework to do, less time to do it. I'll be spending less time at home, and less time with the boys. J is starting Kindergarten, and I need to have time to work with him and make sure he is focused and learning. When am I going to do that? Who knows. I'm sure I'll find the time once we get going, but thinking about all of it is overwhelming.

One thing that is not overwhelming any more is my financial situation. I don't want to go in to a lot of detail here, but I do feel like a huge weight has recently been lifted off of me. For a while I had to wonder how I was going to make rent, buy groceries, and pay bills on the GI Bill. Now there is a "new" GI Bill, and my burdens are much lighter. I am also looking forward to working at school. I'll have less time, I know, but not as many worries. I don't have to go shopping with my parents because the boys need clothes or school supplies that I can't afford. I didn't like feeling like I couldn't take care of all of those things for myself. We're not going to be rolling in dough, but once things are settled, we will have enough. That makes me feel good.

Wow. Long blog. Thanks to those of you who made it all the way through. So, in a nutshell, things are getting better. My kids are growing up, and we are all excited about school. The house is (more) organized, and easier to maintain now that (almost) everything is unpacked and put away. The only big issue that we still have is bedtime, and I am confident that we will get there.

I feel better. Like I'm just letting go of all of this stuff that I needed to talk about. It's like therapy, only instead of going somewhere and having someone ask me all kinds of questions, I'm sitting in my own chair. . . just saying the things I need to say. My hands hurt, but that's easier to shake off than a stress headache.

Until next time . . . .

~ J

My biggest fear. . .

Yes. It's needles. Well, the dentist as well, but that will be covered another day. . .

They are both stupid fears. There is a term for it, but I don't remember. It means that I am afraid of something that I don't need to be. . . and I know it, but I can't stop myself.

My mom tells me I should be over it. I've had children - that doesn't just mean that I've given birth - it means lots of needles. Bloodwork, anesthesia, epidural, even a blood transfusion. And in the Navy? Shots are usually mandatory, and done in an assembly-line fashion. That's really hard for the nervous people! We stopped counting the number of TB tests . . . and I got vaccinated for Smallpox and Anthrax, and had a flu shot almost every year. . . And still I am afraid. I try not to be, because I know that people think it's stupid. And I don't want to be a 26-year-old hyperventilating (or crying) because I have to get a shot, or have blood drawn. Yes, it's really that bad - sometimes, not all the time. . . I don't think I ever cried over a shot on the ship. I procrastinated, and they knew I didn't want to do it . . . but I held back the tears.

Sometimes the anxiety starts a day in advance. On both occasions (shot or dentist) it has been a near-paralyzing fear. I have even canceled appointments because I just can't make myself go and face the fear. I'd rather appear to be flaky than to go and just get it over with.

Well, that's the back story. Moving on to current events, and the reason why I'm bringing it up now:

Friday I was supposed to have two injections; one vaccine and a regular injection (every 3 months) that is my birth control. Okay, let's be honest. I don't need birth control. There is no possibility of getting pregnant at this point in my life. I like not having a period. SO every three months I hem and haw, make myself go, and get the shot. Usually it's pretty easy to remind myself that it's only five minutes - and it lasts for three months. . .

So I was in my car, driving to the clinic. And I just didn't want to go. I left home very close to the last minute because of just not wanting to go. So I called my Mom. I was hoping for two things: one, that she would reassure me, and two, that maybe it would be okay to skip out on the vaccination. I love my Mom, but that day, she didn't help. She made me feel worse, really. When I got to the clinic, and was trying to check in, I had tears coming down my face. I was trying to breathe and get over it, and then the phone rang. Yes, it was Mom again: She told me to think about my boys. Think about not getting the vaccination, and then what would happen to those boys if something happened to me. Is it worth it to avoid a little anxiety and a few minutes of pain? That was it. I didn't really have time (or the ability) to thank her, because she was gone. . . Well, I wouldn't have thanked her anyway. I would have been sarcastic. . . . and her comments made me cry even more. Because I know that my fear is not logical. But I can't just turn it off, even when it doesn't make sense to me.

So there I was, trying to compose myself. . . and then doing the mini - interview and vital signs. I lost three more pounds, by the way. None of the weight I have lost shows, but for now the numbers make me feel like I am making progress. Anyway, back to the point. I was really trying to compose myself. I was embarrassed.

I had my interview with the medical student, and yes, we talked extensively about my anxieties. The doctor came in, concerned, but willing to postpone one or both injections. I agreed to go through with both. I don't want to be a flake, or a wuss. And I felt bad for wasting their time and embarrassed about my anxieties to everyone.

The doctor and nurse went to get the injections ready. Then they came in, one on each side of me. I drew the line. I might be able to get through this without completely freaking out, but I will not be attacked from both sides! I don't think I used the word attacked, but it was something like that. So the doctor sat in front of me, talking about my book. I was reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. . . I've been reading up to get ready for the movie to come out. So there we were, just having a conversation, and there's a nurse on one side, a med student on the other, both with a syringe aimed at my arm. It took so much will not to look, or scream. They went one at a time so I wasn't bombarded, and then I just laid back for a while as the anxiety subsided and my headache pounded. It's really exhausting having to go through such emotion. . . whether it's depression, anxiety, even anger. They make me tired.

I did it, though. I'm not proud of the way that I acted, but I am proud of myself for not completely breaking down. I didn't cancel, and I didn't leave. I don't know what will happen in three more months. . . or when it's time for the second round of the vaccine. I don't think that I'll get over this by then, but maybe I'll be able to embarrass myself a little less. . . Maybe I'll let them say I have "situational anxiety". . . but I don't know whether therapy would help in this situation.

So, tell me, please. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it completely irrational, or can you understand my fears? Can you look away and take it, or do they make you nervous, too? I really don't want to be alone in this.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Until next time.

~ J

Thoughts on a Birthday. . .

Yes, a birthday. For those of you who don't know, it was mine. Until it actually happened, I wasn't very excited about it. I am, as you know, a single mom. Anything for me comes last. This includes the food that I like, clothes I need to wear, and time to myself. I feel guilty for wanting and needing these things. (Will go into this later) On top of this, the boys just had their birthdays not that long ago. Along with the fact that we are still moving in, are short of money, and I don't have many close friends in the area, All of these things made me think that my birthday was going to be (and should be) no big deal.

I was going to let it come and go without a big production. That was okay with me. It wasn't until Friday that I realized that it did matter to those around me - and I was really really excited!

Friday was a day off, due to the coming holiday. We spent the morning being lazy here at home. Around midday I realized that I wanted to do something. We had to get out. I packed a bag and loaded the kids in the car. We grabbed some fast food, and headed toward M and D's new place. We went swimming, joined by an old friend. She was my best friend through High School - in fact, the closest friend from "back then" that I still have. After visiting a while and checking out M & D's new place, we decided it was time to go . . . and go out. Because of being in the Navy, J hasn't spent one of my birthdays with me in years. And she was excited. It made me excited. So off we went. And had a blast! Almost as much fun - or more - than the kids. It's not very often that I get to let loose, and have fun - either with them, or with someone my own age - so that in itself was a great gift! When she brought us back home afterward, I decided to show her one of my favorite knick-knacks, which she gave me for my birthday ten years ago. Hard to believe it's been that long, really. So that was Friday - birthday number one.

Saturday was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, and the holiday, and Sunday we had to try to wind down and get ready for the week. My grandparents (M's mom and dad) took us to dinner on Sunday night (went mostly good) which was a surprise, but very enjoyable. Birthday number two.

Monday was my actual birthday. As I said, I don't have a lot of friends. And because of the state of the house, there is no way I would invite anyone over. . . But I still wanted to do something. So I baked cupcakes. I decorated them all differently with sprinkles and happy faces, and took them to school with me. I shared them, and some apples, with my classmates. After school (1100) I took myself - and a book - out to lunch. Dinner was nothing special; M and I decided that it had been too long a weekend to have another big event so soon. The boys were a little disappointed that we were just eating frozen dinners (they picked them out at the store, which is usually exciting) and had no cake. I told them that it was still my birthday, but we weren't going to have a special dinner until the next day when M & D could come. Bedtime did not go very well that night. Some days it does, some days it does not. I haven't quite figured it out yet. But even with their antics, I still spent some time on the computer. I had lots of well-wishes from family and friends. . . even old friends that I am not often in touch with. It made me feel very special. I went to bed late that night, but happy. Birthday number three.

Tuesday I got out of school and called M. She had told me she was coming here, and wanted to take me shopping. She wouldn't say why, just something she wanted me to have. I've just moved. I have a lot - almost all of it I hadn't seen in nearly a year. What else could she want me to have? I was puzzled. Until we got in the car and she told me. I haven't worn a watch in years. I use my cell phone to tell me what time it is. Even on the ship I didn't wear a watch - I went by the ship's bells, which can sometimes be bad. I was touched that she would think of something like that. And let me pick it out. Watches aren't like candles or books. Every one is different. . . and it seems that I am pickier than most. I am very happy with it, and can hardly believe that my wrist has been so long without a watch! It feels like it was made to be there. A picture of it will have to come soon, I think. Not to brag about what I got, but just because it has made me feel good. Usually I just am. Very few things make me feel good about myself - and even fewer things make me feel pretty or feminine. This watch happens to be one of those few things. That is why I will share it, as soon as I can. . . . . So, once the watch was picked out, it was time to go. We picked up the boys -- who were so happy to see their Grandma there. It was sweet. Anywhoo, we went to the restaurant, and once D got there, we had a very nice dinner. M & D both chose not to come back to the house for cake, but I had promised it to the boys. So I frosted it, then they sang for me (so cute!) and we ate birthday cake. . . . it was from a box, but I still made it myself, and it was good! Birthday number four.

After all of that, I really did feel it. That thing you're supposed to feel on a birthday. . . when all those people come (even though mine were all at different times) and it's your time. Your day. I didn't think that I would get there, but the more that I saw that other people really did care. . . and wanted to see me happy and make me feel special, the more I felt it myself.

I guess Birthdays aren't just for kids, or for big parties. They're for me. Next year I'll remember. And I won't try to ignore it or pretend like it's not coming. I will embrace it, enjoy it, and be happy to be me.

Thanks for those of you who helped me feel special this week. Be sure and let me know when your birthday is. I will make sure you feel special, too.

** You know, there's a reason that I felt the way I did - not just stress and money issues. I usually feel guilty for taking something for myself - buying nice food, getting new clothes, etc. It's too late now, but I'm going to have to explore this topic further. **

Until next time,

~ J

Sick, or not?

Okay, Moms. Here's a question for you:

Have you ever sent your kid to school when they said they were sick?
Were they faking, or actually sick?

I learned a few months ago that my kids can play that card. They can even get manipulative.

So on Monday, when Z said he didn't feel good, I didn't believe him. It was Monday, and we had a good weekend. I was almost sure that he was just playing me. They both say quite often that they don't want to go to school. . . and as early as Tuesday, they begin asking me whether or not it is Friday!

So I dismissed his whining and his cough. I thought it was just because he was tired. His asthma is much more mild than J's, but in both of my boys it presents as a cough. It is worse when they are tired, upset, or playing hard. It's Finals week at school for me. Not that they know what that means, but it's important. So off we went.

No one ever calls my cell phone. Really. The very few people who do don't call when I'm in school. So I was very surprised when the thing started vibrating in my scrub pocket, only an hour in to class! And, yes, Caller ID informed me that it was the preschool. I was told that Z was laying down on the couch. . . with a 102 fever. Oh, great. But I'm only a half-mile away, so I'll be right there!

So, of course I collected him, and took him home. He drank some juice and watched a movie in my chair, ate JellO for lunch, and went to bed. All morning while he was hanging around, I was studying and reading. . . feeling so guilty. He really didn't feel good. And I ignored him and sent him to school.

Because he was "sick" on Monday, Z could not go to school on Tuesday. So M had to come and stay with him so I could go. I am proud of my perfect attendance, and plan on keeping it. . .

But his fever broke while he was napping on Monday. He had Tylenol and a cough medicine on Tuesday morning. By the time I got home from school, there was nothing wrong with him! He was bouncing off the walls. . . didn't take a nap that day, either, and by the end of the day he was driving me nuts! Sick? No. I don't think so.

He's fine now. We all went to school this morning -- and miraculously, no one was late. . . even though I woke up 45 minutes late! I'm kinda proud I got us all out the door. . . A little tired, a little grumpy, but no one said "I don't feel good."

What a difference a day makes! I think I'm still more inclined to take him to school no matter what . . . but we will have to see. It's tough when a kid can't tell you symptoms. Even when he really is sick, all he says is "I feel yucky". They don't understand that I need more information, or I don't believe it!

It's easier when they're in a real school, right?
If it's not, please don't tell me yet!

I just get up every morning and get ready. When I wake up JR and Z, I will cross my fingers and hope that neither of them will pull out the "I don't feel good" card. I have learned that when it's true, it makes for a looong two days!

Let's not repeat them any time soon, okay?

~ J

Heat. . . and work!

The Heat is On . . . . .
(cue music - and a flashback)

Oh, yes. The heat is here. This weekend, it was definitely on!

Hmm, Saturday. It's been so long, I have to wonder what we did! Oh, that's right. I guess I already vented about Saturday's events. So I'll move on to Sunday.

Well, we knew it was going to be hot. But there was work to do. . . So we planned to get started early. No problem, right? I get up early. Apparently not early enough. I woke up at 7. I got to the hallway to see the doors both open. . . What? Why are my doors open? I walked out, and there was Dad. Sitting on the front porch with the newspaper. I will mention here that his new house is 40 minutes away - maybe 30 with his driving. . . . It was warm in the house, as it always is overnight. It was barely cooler outside.

I am grateful to have this house to myself now, but it is taking a lot of work, and a lot of adjusting. I used to live in a 3-bedroom house. Yes, it was wonderful. I miss it, but when you get out of the military, you have to leave military housing. . . . Well, this house was full. I loved it. I had a master suite. . . The boys had their own bedrooms. . . a living room, and a large play area that was separate but still a part of the "great" room downstairs. All of this room equals a lot of stuff. Much of it is stuff that we don't have room for any more. And we also had some junk. Junk that needed to go away. I have a small car, so here came dad to the rescue. We put the first load of crap in, and off he went.

Z woke up first, crying. He told me that he was sad, and he wanted his Grandpa. (The boys did not know that he was coming) So I carried him to the kitchen and nudged him out the front door. "What?" Then he looked on the porch and saw his Grandpa sitting there. He was so excited. It was very sweet to hear his reaction and watch him just leap into Grandpa. Well, after Dad left, we got started with the day. JR and Z ate the breakfast that Grandpa brought. Eclairs . . . he had told the boys that they are like donuts with chocolate on top and "magic in the middle". Then Z got dressed and ready. He woke up first, and really wanted to be Grandpa's sidekick. . . So when he came back, Z was ready to go to the dump. Not my idea of an adventure, but they love their Grandpa -- and he drives a truck!

While they were gone, J and I cleaned up. Then he played and I unpacked the last three boxes! Yay! They were all tools and garage -type stuff. . . but still. It means that I have all my stuff! The task that continues is finding somewhere to put it, and getting rid of that which we don't need -- excess linens, outgrown toys and clothes. . . The sorting is a long process, and one that I'm not particularly enjoying.

All morning long, I was logged on to my laptop. Every so often I woke it up and checked the "weatherbug". I just watched the temp go up and up and up. I felt bad for D doing so much work and driving around all morning. That's why I kept on working while he was gone each time. . . And told him that we would "cool off" when the work was done. So when D and Z came back, D took JR for an adventure. He couldn't be left out. . . especially now that they only see him once in a while. Z was ready for more fun. We got lunch packed and ready, and got in our suits. And waited. We were headed to the pool. We all had PB&J, pretzels and a drink for lunch. I felt bad that I didn't have something better to give my dad after so much work, but he was a good sport. The boys got gogurt with their lunch. . . and then we all hopped in the pool. It was fun. A nice cap to a day of productive work. D went home, and I put the boys to bed for a nap. JR is growing out of them, but on certain days - like when it's hot, or we're doing work / exercising, a nap is still needed.

The rest of the day was spent inside. I worked, yes, organized and studied. . . and watched the temp go up and up and up. All the way to 108*. . . Really? We were not ready for that! I also decided, in all that heat, that it was a day not to really cook dinner. There was no way I was going to prep and cook - especially turn on the oven! - and heat the house up again . . . so I made some pasta-roni, and put canned chicken into it. It was quick, easy, and really good, except that no one ate it but me!

Oh, yes. That's another issue. The whole not-eating thing. We'll have to come back to that another day. I don't really aim to cook food that the boys won't eat. . . I'm cooking good food. Z is just really picky. . .

Work, work, work. I'm always working, but it's never done. That's every mom's story, though. It is what it is. For tonight, my work is done. The boys are washed and in bed, and the dishes are clean. Surprisingly, even the toys are put away. I have two loads ready for donation, and a nice to-do list for tomorrow. It might all get done. . . or it might become "rollover" work.

We shall see. . . .

Until then,

~ J

So many plans. . .

And somehow, none of them worked out.

Today is Saturday. For two days, nothing has seemed to go quite right. Perhaps I should stop making plans and just go with the flow. . . It seems like that's what everyone else does, right? Maybe if I go with the flow, I wouldn't have so many hard feelings about things not going the way I thought they would. . . .

Friday is a day off of school, every week. It's for catching up, tutoring, and doing things that you need to do. It's nice. I generally get a lot accomplished on Fridays because the boys are still in preschool. It's kinda like a three-day weekend every week - only better because one whole day is without the boys! This Friday, like others, I had big plans. I was also asked to help out a classmate. I have no problem with that. I am a "mentor" in class, and I try to live up to the responsibility and the confidence that my classmates had in me when they voted. I also tested out of College Algebra, the current GE course. So I agreed to help. Ten AM is early, and still leaves plenty of time in the rest of the day, right? Well, it was nearly eleven when I called, on my way out the door. Unfortunately she said she wouldn't be at school until a little after noon. Okay. So I altered my plans. I showed up at about noon, with no sign of her. I waited and I waited. At One PM, I called, and she was still working at home. She could take a shower and come right over. Well, that's nice, but I haven't eaten, and the day is wasting away. I didn't say that to her. I agreed, instead, to collect my laptop and meet her at a location with WIFI. At four o'clock, she still was not caught up to where she should be in the class. I had to pick up the boys. So we went back to my house. . . and kept working until near dinner time. So, nearly the whole day, gone. I'm trying not to be upset because I know she appreciates it, as does my instructor. But Friday is my day, and I didn't run any errands, and couldn't cross anything off my to-do list until after the kids went to bed. . . . *sigh* . . . .

Today was also supposed to be full of plans. Starting with the Zoo, early in the morning. I found out late late Friday night that someone was coming into town for a whirlwind visit. Hmm. I don't like re-arranging my plans at the last minute - especially if I don't know what will happen instead. We went ahead trying to get ready for the Zoo. Our guests, friends of the boys, and their mom, called in the morning. Despite the predicted heat (103*-106*) we decided to go for it anyway, and just leave early. I took a quick shower (I learned in boot camp, and kept the skill) and got the boys dressed and excited to go to the Zoo and see the giraffes and monkeys. They are the favorites, since the Zoo doesn't have any elephants. . . . But I think the "Zoo" is a topic for another blog entirely. . . Anyway, after hanging up the phone, we were ready in about twenty minutes. I was quite proud of myself, and started puttering around the house taking care of little things while I waited for our friends to call. It was over an hour (after we were ready) until they called. By this time, I had figured that it was a lost cause. Most days, JR and Z still take a nap. When going out and about, we need to have time to spend somewhere to make it worth our while - especially if we have to drive half an hour each way. Anyway, while I was waiting and waiting, I decided that it might be better not to go. Not just because of the heat, but also because I wanted to have a visit. I didn't know how long we would have to wait for our visitor, or how long they would stay, but I cancelled the Zoo and told the boys. They were excited. I have to say, so was I. I like having guests. The house isn't really ready for guests, but this was different. We don't get to visit with them often, so when they decide to come to town, it might be worth re-arranging your day. . . you never know when it'll happen again.

So I settled the boys down, determined to do as much as possible to make the house look presentable before they arrived. It didn't matter, because my efforts weren't appreciated. The only comments about the house were regarding how much was left to do. Ugh. If they had only seen it the last two weeks to know how much I have already done! I bit my tongue as much as possible because the boys were excited. (I am thinking here that the state of the house may be a topic for another blog, as well. Bear with me. I may have a lot of issues to air out!)

When our visit was over, it was too late for the boys to take a nap. Great. Long day, and a rough night ahead. I decided that the best way to handle the situation was to wear them out good. They would be too tired to fight or be naughty. So we got dressed and headed to the pool. That was the good part of our day. . . Even though it was "stupid hot", we had fun! And came home just in time for dinner. I put on a short DVD and started to get dinner ready. By the time everything was simmering, J was zoned out and Z was passed out. Great. Again, not good for the evening. And I'll tell you that a worn out four year old with a 20 minute nap is not a happy four year old. . . just in case you didn't know. So we ate dinner. But the sun was pretty draining. We returned to the TV. The end of the movie is near now. I drew the curtains and dimmed the lights about halfway through the movie. JR is already asleep, and I am confident that Z will go down pretty easily, too.

Not quite how I planned the day, but I guess it could have been worse. We got to have a visit, had fun, and bedtime should be fairly easy. . . Tomorrow I have no plans. I don't want to cancel anything, and I don't particularly enjoy the feeling that I get when something happens to throw off a plan that I think is going to go well. . . .

So we'll be going with the flow tomorrow "Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream."
** bonus points to anyone who can name the movie quote **

I have studying to do, a to-do list, and may want to visit my grandparents. . . but whatever happens, happens. I'm telling myself that now so I know that it'll be okay tomorrow.

We'll make plans some other day. For this weekend, I've had enough. Time for the boys to go to bed, and time for me to have some relaxing time and see what else is going to happen . . . .

The first . . .

Well, here I go. Officially a blogger. Yes, I'm new at this. So forgive me if I don't quite do it right.

This may go back and forth between being a place to write what I feel, tell you what's going on, or ask opinions and ideas. I have thought about doing this for a while, but didn't know how to get started writing a real blog. And every time I think seriously about just doing it, a little voice tells me not to. For those of you who don't know, I have a lack of self-confidence. There's often a voice that tells me my ideas suck, or I don't look good, or no one will care. . . .

Today I am starting this blog because a friend told me not to listen to that voice. Thanks for the support, H!

Hmm, what else do you say in the intro? I think that who we are and where we're at in life will come later. I think I'll tell you about the name, though.

I don't watch a lot of TV, but I love Jon and Kate plus 8. So sad what's happening now. . . but that's a topic for another time. Anyway, in their intro, it they talk about who they are. And at the very end, it says "It may not be a perfect life. . . but it's our life." I have always loved that line, and I have tried to take it to heart, especially in this transition. We don't have to have a perfect life. I know it's not going to turn out the way I planned, but it's our life. So I try my best to make the most of it. That's where I got both the title, and came up with the web address for my blog!

I sure hope someone reads this! Oh, there's the pessimist again. Okay, I hope you all enjoy reading this! I look forward to hearing (or reading) your thoughts on our not-perfect life.

More soon!

~ J