I'm getting back on. I have talked about it a few times. I am not going to be on The Biggest Loser, but I am out of shape in more ways than one. My strength and stamina are down, and my weight is well above a healthy level. I'm not looking to be a size six. I was there for a while, after Boot Camp. At this point in my life - ten years later, and having given birth to three children - it is unrealistic. My goal is to be healthy, inside and out.
The first step to the inner healthiness comes with the decision. I made that decision. Mentally, emotionally, I decided that I didn't want to feel unhappy with myself anymore. I want to feel good and be proud of myself. I want to be able to go out and know that I look good. I want to be able to play with the boys until they get tired, not have to stop and sit down because I'm too tired to keep wrestling / running / etc.
New Year's Day, the day after the boys and I moved in with E, I weighed myself at M&D's house. I weighed 188 lbs. I'm a little nervous about putting that out there, but it's about accountability. I knew I didn't like that number. It's more than I weighed when I was pregnant with Z. I decided that it was going to be a "New Year, New Me" . . . We had just moved, I was starting school again. I was full of hope for my relationship with E. I believed that at the same time that I was starting a new happy life, I could get myself healthy much easier than in previous attempts to lose weight when I had been alone and depressed.
Things with E were not happy. They were miserable, unhappy, and stressful. But I was busy. I was unpacking, cleaning, and back in school. Weight started to come off. I didn't really see or feel a difference, but the scale showed progress, and I needed a new pair of pants. I called them my "ten pound pants" . . . and I was both pleased and amazed that I reached ten pounds without going to a gym. I did walk with the boys around the neighborhood nearly every night, and I paid much more attention to what I was eating.
Just shortly after the ten-pound milestone, I hit a wall. At one point, I tried to break through the wall, and I made a little more progress, but I remained stuck at the 19 pound mark. Things started to get more stressful at home. I was stuck, at school and at home, both emotionally and physically. At the lowest point, however, I was much more than stressed. I was anxious and fearful. I was barely eating. Over the weekend when things were really bad, I stayed with M&D for a few days. I weighed myself on Friday morning, and then later on Sunday afternoon of that really bad weekend. On Friday, I was at that 19-pound wall. On Sunday night, I had broken through and made it to 23 pounds down. It made me feel good to see that number, but I knew that I didn't really lose four pounds in three days. I figured it was partially stress, and partially because I had hardly eaten.
The stress continued, and then things began to get better. While I was getting settled in the new place, my focus was not on myself. I had to take care of many things, including problems with the boys. We stopped taking walks. I ate less health-consciously. Pounds came back, and I was back on the other side of the wall again. The new "skinny" jeans still fit me, and the smaller capris that I had . . . but the number was back up.
I have now broken back through the wall. Since I have not had contact with E, I have been much less stressed. I have been thinking more about what I am eating, and trying to be more active.
I don't know what my number is right now, in terms of what I weigh, or how many pounds down I am. But I feel better. I know that I am ready to do better. I am back on the wagon, and looking forward to feeling better and getting healthier as the numbers go back down.
Stay tuned, as more good news will be coming soon!
Peace, fruit, and veggies!
