Do you remember when I promised to write every day? I wanted to, I really did. I had a lot to say. . . a lot that I was feeling and wanted to share. SO many things were changing, and so many things were not going well in my life. I felt like I was unable to blog just as I felt that I was unable to be on Facebook. Why? Because a lot of what I felt and what I wanted to say was about E.
Not to worry about that, though. There is no more E. The boys and I moved out of his house in just a few days after Heather's birthday. We stayed with M&D for a week, then moved into a place of our own. All of the change has not been easy - for me or for the boys - but it's just about over. I know that I have such good friends you would have been there for me in this rough time, but I felt too afraid to reach out to anyone except for my parents.
I am not going to go into major details except to say that it just didn't work . . . and for all of you now worrying about me, I will say that there was no physical abuse.
What have I learned? Hmm. The first few things may sound cliche, but there's a reason that we keep cliches around. "Look before you leap" . . . and "You never know someone until you live with them" . . . Yeah. So. What else, besides the cliche? Oh, a lot. A few things I am just getting to. I am learning to pay attention to the way that people act and what it means. I am learning to listen to my children. They both have their issues, but they're also really smart. I have learned that instincts are felt for a reason, and the next time I feel an inner voice telling me something is not right, or that I should do something to change what's happening, I will listen to that instinct.
For now, that is all. I have been thinking about blogging quite a lot. For those of you who enjoy it, and want to hear more about the boys, our adjustments, and my life as a single mom / student, I thank you. The writing and posting is somewhat of a therapy for me. I may need to lock the blog and make it invitation only . . . but we will see how things are going. So, thanks for coming back. Thank you all for your support. My apologies for breaking my promise to keep blogging, but I am back now, and looking forward to things getting better and life being happier again.
Peace, quiet, and finally, bedtime!
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A resolution
I know, I know. I disappeared again. I can hardly believe that it has been more than two months. When I am driving, or at school, I write blog posts in my head. I just haven't had both the time and the thought when I'm in front of the computer.
I am beginning to think that I need the outlet. I usually think that I am "talking" to myself when I write blog posts, but it helps.
I have heard of people who post a picture - every single day - and blog about it. I don't know if I can do that with a picture. But as life goes on with school, the boys, and everyday kinds of stress, I need to have an outlet.
Is it too late for a New Year's Resolution? I hope not, because here it is.
One blog. Every day. It might be just a quick note to say "hello, world" or it could be a story of an adventure, a tantrum, or an update on life's events. If someone reads or comments, I'll feel good . . . but if it's just for me, it will be just for me. I think it will be a good release for me when things are stressful. It could also be a good way for me to share good news - with either everyone or no one.
Alright, that's it for tonight. Time to go finish my essay. Maybe tomorrow's post will be the finished product. Or maybe I'll use tomorrow's post to announce my grade on my first-ever Pre-Calculus test.
For now,
A good night and good sleep to all!
I am beginning to think that I need the outlet. I usually think that I am "talking" to myself when I write blog posts, but it helps.
I have heard of people who post a picture - every single day - and blog about it. I don't know if I can do that with a picture. But as life goes on with school, the boys, and everyday kinds of stress, I need to have an outlet.
Is it too late for a New Year's Resolution? I hope not, because here it is.
One blog. Every day. It might be just a quick note to say "hello, world" or it could be a story of an adventure, a tantrum, or an update on life's events. If someone reads or comments, I'll feel good . . . but if it's just for me, it will be just for me. I think it will be a good release for me when things are stressful. It could also be a good way for me to share good news - with either everyone or no one.
Alright, that's it for tonight. Time to go finish my essay. Maybe tomorrow's post will be the finished product. Or maybe I'll use tomorrow's post to announce my grade on my first-ever Pre-Calculus test.
For now,
A good night and good sleep to all!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Where have I been?
Well, I've been right here. But also a little bit lost.
I have thought about blogging through all of the problems that I've had, but most of the time I'm pretty sure that my blogging is like writing letters to no one. I also haven't been to blog because I feel an obligation to "catch up" for lost time. I've tried to do it a few times . . . when I caught up on all of our Disneyland highlights, and I wrote about my trip to SF with E. But I didn't always feel like blogging about our vacations or the boys going back to school. There have been many days that I have written a blog in my head, but not put it on the computer because my blog feels stuck in June and I didn't have the heart or the time to get the blog up-to-date.
What is the first step to change? Making the choice. With my kids, our "theme" is Making good choices. I tell them that you choose your own behavior. They know that if they are in trouble, it is because they did not make good choices. I am trying now to make my own good choices. Actually, I've been working on it for a few weeks now. The most important choice I've been making lately? Well, it's not always as easy to do as it is to say, but I have really been trying to not be depressed.
Even having chores and to-do lists doesn't always help, especially when you're alone. When you're down in a hole, trying not to be depressed can be harder than it sounds. I've had quite a few bad days - and even bad weeks - since graduating in August. I still have bad days, but making the choice that I don't want to just be makes a difference.
Things are also getting better. Things in our lives are changing, and I'm looking forward to many of the changes. As I feel better, and things start happening around here . . . well, I'm going to be busy, but I want to feel better, so I'll be here. On good days I look forward to sharing our job, and on bad days, I am hoping that it will help me to write and release the frustration, stress, and depression that I feel.
I hope you are all well. It's been a rough week. but we are choosing to have a better day.
I'm enjoying the peace right now, praying for dinner and bedtime to go as well as free time!
I have thought about blogging through all of the problems that I've had, but most of the time I'm pretty sure that my blogging is like writing letters to no one. I also haven't been to blog because I feel an obligation to "catch up" for lost time. I've tried to do it a few times . . . when I caught up on all of our Disneyland highlights, and I wrote about my trip to SF with E. But I didn't always feel like blogging about our vacations or the boys going back to school. There have been many days that I have written a blog in my head, but not put it on the computer because my blog feels stuck in June and I didn't have the heart or the time to get the blog up-to-date.
What is the first step to change? Making the choice. With my kids, our "theme" is Making good choices. I tell them that you choose your own behavior. They know that if they are in trouble, it is because they did not make good choices. I am trying now to make my own good choices. Actually, I've been working on it for a few weeks now. The most important choice I've been making lately? Well, it's not always as easy to do as it is to say, but I have really been trying to not be depressed.
Even having chores and to-do lists doesn't always help, especially when you're alone. When you're down in a hole, trying not to be depressed can be harder than it sounds. I've had quite a few bad days - and even bad weeks - since graduating in August. I still have bad days, but making the choice that I don't want to just be makes a difference.
Things are also getting better. Things in our lives are changing, and I'm looking forward to many of the changes. As I feel better, and things start happening around here . . . well, I'm going to be busy, but I want to feel better, so I'll be here. On good days I look forward to sharing our job, and on bad days, I am hoping that it will help me to write and release the frustration, stress, and depression that I feel.
I hope you are all well. It's been a rough week. but we are choosing to have a better day.
I'm enjoying the peace right now, praying for dinner and bedtime to go as well as free time!
Friday, October 16, 2009
It's been a while . . . again!
I have a "link" to my blog in my internet toolbar. I see it everyday when I am surfing the net, facebooking, and doing my online homework . . . I think about blogging about things going on, and I just don't get to it.
I read yet another blog today by H, and realized that I really haven't been writing. When I write, I feel good. When people comment or email me about what I've written and how things are going for us, I feel really good. So I am going to try to be like H. I am going to write more often. I won't hope for daily, but it will be often. About little things. About how I'm feeling. About cute things that the boys are doing or saying. I promise. It's not going to be another month and a half until you hear from me again!
. . . . SO . . . .
A lot has happened in the last month and a half, but not a lot has changed. Does that make sense? I hope so, because it makes sense to me :)
Well, my most recent post was about needing a desk. It was a big deal to me - to help clean up the house, organize, and have a place to study and do my online classwork. I think my desk is beautiful. Maybe soon I'll post some pictures of the desk - along with its clutter. . .
I also have the house a bit more cleaned up (most days) than it was before. If I had any friends that lived close by, I would invite them over and not be embarrassed about it. That's big. Except for my room. We're still not going to talk about it. . . especially since the boys' room mess has moved in to my room. It keeps their room clean and clutter-free while I focus on getting them to go to bed better.
Some days the house gets by me, and I focus on school, or just while away the time between class and picking up the boys. . . The next day (or the day after that) I have to try and catch up on everything. This is especially true on Thursdays and Fridays. I run errands, do laundry, dishes, organizing . . . and usually none of these tasks gets completely finished. Most of it is half-done. But I feel progress. And I am able to see a difference, so it helps me maintain, and keep trying to finish the jobs that I have started.
I know that this routine of falling behind and slowly catching up is not going to work for much longer. Soon I am going to start working. . . for the school that I am going to. Instead of coming home after class to have lunch, do homework, etc, and pick the boys up at 4:30, things will be much different. I will be picking the boys up at 5 pm, without having all of that time to myself in the afternoon. Time management and planning ahead are going to become important. I know this, so I'm trying to work on it now.
I am also trying to work on the boys' behavior. We have behavior charts, but I'm not sure if they're making any difference. They are learning to listen, but following through with what they are told is harder. The biggest obstacle is still bedtime. My stress level will be so much lower when they are able to lay in their beds and just go to sleep. . .
Hmm. Mid-August. What else is new? We have our first pets! Well, sort of. They are fish. It's been about two weeks now. We started out with four, then added one, and yesterday we had our first casualty. Doesn't surprise me much, because it was the fish that never ate any food . . . . If you know me, then you know that I would much rather have a dog. But for now, this is it. The fish don't require much. They look pretty, and the boys are happy.
I guess that seems to be about it as far as the updates are concerned. We've done a lot of things, and the boys have had good and bad moments, but overall things are the same. I'm lonely. Single. Mom. The boys are still cute. Dorky. Attitudish. Still live in the same place, and we're all still in school.
And just like I've said before, I'll say again . . . It may not be a perfect life, but it's our life!
That's all for now!
I read yet another blog today by H, and realized that I really haven't been writing. When I write, I feel good. When people comment or email me about what I've written and how things are going for us, I feel really good. So I am going to try to be like H. I am going to write more often. I won't hope for daily, but it will be often. About little things. About how I'm feeling. About cute things that the boys are doing or saying. I promise. It's not going to be another month and a half until you hear from me again!
. . . . SO . . . .
A lot has happened in the last month and a half, but not a lot has changed. Does that make sense? I hope so, because it makes sense to me :)
Well, my most recent post was about needing a desk. It was a big deal to me - to help clean up the house, organize, and have a place to study and do my online classwork. I think my desk is beautiful. Maybe soon I'll post some pictures of the desk - along with its clutter. . .
I also have the house a bit more cleaned up (most days) than it was before. If I had any friends that lived close by, I would invite them over and not be embarrassed about it. That's big. Except for my room. We're still not going to talk about it. . . especially since the boys' room mess has moved in to my room. It keeps their room clean and clutter-free while I focus on getting them to go to bed better.
Some days the house gets by me, and I focus on school, or just while away the time between class and picking up the boys. . . The next day (or the day after that) I have to try and catch up on everything. This is especially true on Thursdays and Fridays. I run errands, do laundry, dishes, organizing . . . and usually none of these tasks gets completely finished. Most of it is half-done. But I feel progress. And I am able to see a difference, so it helps me maintain, and keep trying to finish the jobs that I have started.
I know that this routine of falling behind and slowly catching up is not going to work for much longer. Soon I am going to start working. . . for the school that I am going to. Instead of coming home after class to have lunch, do homework, etc, and pick the boys up at 4:30, things will be much different. I will be picking the boys up at 5 pm, without having all of that time to myself in the afternoon. Time management and planning ahead are going to become important. I know this, so I'm trying to work on it now.
I am also trying to work on the boys' behavior. We have behavior charts, but I'm not sure if they're making any difference. They are learning to listen, but following through with what they are told is harder. The biggest obstacle is still bedtime. My stress level will be so much lower when they are able to lay in their beds and just go to sleep. . .
Hmm. Mid-August. What else is new? We have our first pets! Well, sort of. They are fish. It's been about two weeks now. We started out with four, then added one, and yesterday we had our first casualty. Doesn't surprise me much, because it was the fish that never ate any food . . . . If you know me, then you know that I would much rather have a dog. But for now, this is it. The fish don't require much. They look pretty, and the boys are happy.
I guess that seems to be about it as far as the updates are concerned. We've done a lot of things, and the boys have had good and bad moments, but overall things are the same. I'm lonely. Single. Mom. The boys are still cute. Dorky. Attitudish. Still live in the same place, and we're all still in school.
And just like I've said before, I'll say again . . . It may not be a perfect life, but it's our life!
That's all for now!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Updates . . . and a few rants.
Well, wow. It has been over a month since I last posted. It's been a bit of a whirlwind around here. Since it's been a while, I guess I'll update first. Then, I hope I can settle in to a more regular schedule to blog about thoughts, feelings, and stuff that's happening.
So, just in general, things are starting to go well. Here's the nutshell:
We have bedtime issues. . . J is about to start Kindergarten. . . I just started a new term in school . . . The house/ job / financial burdens are finally beginning to ease.
Yes, we still have big bedtime issues, so if anyone has any good ideas, send them my way. We take a bath, put on jammies, and brush teeth. After I read to them, the lights are turned down and I close the door. It stays quiet for 2-5 minutes. Then starts the fighting and constantly coming out of the room. Have to go potty, need a hug, he hit me, why aren't you in bed, can I have a snack, etc. etc. And if it's not all of that, then they are in their room - being nice to each other, but playing, laughing, and not sleeping. Ugh. So tired. On nights when I have things to do, it's the in and out game. On the nights when I'm trying to go to bed, they're playing (and making a huge mess) and I can't sleep. I really am ready for this to end. I've even tried getting the daycare to keep them up from nap. A few times J has crashed on those evenings, but most of the time it's the same nightmare as usual, with the added bonus that they don't eat dinner, and don't play nicely during the evening. The next morning, they can't get out of bed. There have been several days that I've packed their clothes in a bag and carried them to the car in pajamas.
J starts Kindergarten on Monday! I am so excited. . . and concerned. I am worried that he's not ready. He is still so goofy. I wonder if he'll be able to sit still and pay attention. He has spent a lot of time this summer in the Kindergarten / First grade class and the teacher always tells me he does great. I know that he is smart enough - he just has to focus and follow through. There are other thoughts that I have about Kindergarten, too . . . like Wow. Do I really have a Kindergarten-er? I know it sounds cliche, but I remember when he was born and started crawling and talking. It doesn't seem like so long ago. . . Okay, enough of that. My other thoughts on school are about how hard it's going to be. School for my kids is going to be way different than it was for me. Our public schools are suffering more than anyone else in this budget crisis. I have heard some scary facts lately -- like this: 60% of the budget cuts were to schools! That's very scary! That's Art and Music programs, Physical Education (when our kids need it most) and funding for supplies. Yes, supplies. You would not believe the list that I got for a Kindergarten-er to start school. It was nuts. We bought it all, though. Sanitizer, wipes, 10 gluesticks, dry erase markers, highlighters, paper plates, etc. etc. The list was almost a full page - and most of it was for classroom / teacher use. It is upsetting. I am sure that the cuts are felt more deeply in the higher grades. . . Kindergarten, after all, is only a few hours a day. I can imagine what is happening at the High Schools right now. I have a friend who is an English teacher. I believe she mentioned having 40 students in a class this year. . . It saddens me, and I hope that other parents are concerned.
I also just started a new term in school. It happens fast. The terms are six weeks long. . . This is my fourth term. There are nine terms and an externship in the program. Each term contains two classes, or six units. One PT course (pharmacy technology) and one GE class. This term is Pharmacy Terminology and Sociology. I'm excited about Terminology. It's foundation knowledge, and seems to be easy. The term also comes with NO spelling tests!! I am not quite as enthusiastic about Sociology. It looks like it's going to be a little daunting. More work, research, and much heavier discussion topics.
More work + less time = extra stress. How am I going to do more, and do it right, when I was barely making it before? Hmm.
Well, it's not just about more schoolwork. I also have work to do now. I will be starting a work-study job at school soon. So there's more homework to do, less time to do it. I'll be spending less time at home, and less time with the boys. J is starting Kindergarten, and I need to have time to work with him and make sure he is focused and learning. When am I going to do that? Who knows. I'm sure I'll find the time once we get going, but thinking about all of it is overwhelming.
One thing that is not overwhelming any more is my financial situation. I don't want to go in to a lot of detail here, but I do feel like a huge weight has recently been lifted off of me. For a while I had to wonder how I was going to make rent, buy groceries, and pay bills on the GI Bill. Now there is a "new" GI Bill, and my burdens are much lighter. I am also looking forward to working at school. I'll have less time, I know, but not as many worries. I don't have to go shopping with my parents because the boys need clothes or school supplies that I can't afford. I didn't like feeling like I couldn't take care of all of those things for myself. We're not going to be rolling in dough, but once things are settled, we will have enough. That makes me feel good.
Wow. Long blog. Thanks to those of you who made it all the way through. So, in a nutshell, things are getting better. My kids are growing up, and we are all excited about school. The house is (more) organized, and easier to maintain now that (almost) everything is unpacked and put away. The only big issue that we still have is bedtime, and I am confident that we will get there.
I feel better. Like I'm just letting go of all of this stuff that I needed to talk about. It's like therapy, only instead of going somewhere and having someone ask me all kinds of questions, I'm sitting in my own chair. . . just saying the things I need to say. My hands hurt, but that's easier to shake off than a stress headache.
Until next time . . . .
~ J
So, just in general, things are starting to go well. Here's the nutshell:
We have bedtime issues. . . J is about to start Kindergarten. . . I just started a new term in school . . . The house/ job / financial burdens are finally beginning to ease.
Yes, we still have big bedtime issues, so if anyone has any good ideas, send them my way. We take a bath, put on jammies, and brush teeth. After I read to them, the lights are turned down and I close the door. It stays quiet for 2-5 minutes. Then starts the fighting and constantly coming out of the room. Have to go potty, need a hug, he hit me, why aren't you in bed, can I have a snack, etc. etc. And if it's not all of that, then they are in their room - being nice to each other, but playing, laughing, and not sleeping. Ugh. So tired. On nights when I have things to do, it's the in and out game. On the nights when I'm trying to go to bed, they're playing (and making a huge mess) and I can't sleep. I really am ready for this to end. I've even tried getting the daycare to keep them up from nap. A few times J has crashed on those evenings, but most of the time it's the same nightmare as usual, with the added bonus that they don't eat dinner, and don't play nicely during the evening. The next morning, they can't get out of bed. There have been several days that I've packed their clothes in a bag and carried them to the car in pajamas.
J starts Kindergarten on Monday! I am so excited. . . and concerned. I am worried that he's not ready. He is still so goofy. I wonder if he'll be able to sit still and pay attention. He has spent a lot of time this summer in the Kindergarten / First grade class and the teacher always tells me he does great. I know that he is smart enough - he just has to focus and follow through. There are other thoughts that I have about Kindergarten, too . . . like Wow. Do I really have a Kindergarten-er? I know it sounds cliche, but I remember when he was born and started crawling and talking. It doesn't seem like so long ago. . . Okay, enough of that. My other thoughts on school are about how hard it's going to be. School for my kids is going to be way different than it was for me. Our public schools are suffering more than anyone else in this budget crisis. I have heard some scary facts lately -- like this: 60% of the budget cuts were to schools! That's very scary! That's Art and Music programs, Physical Education (when our kids need it most) and funding for supplies. Yes, supplies. You would not believe the list that I got for a Kindergarten-er to start school. It was nuts. We bought it all, though. Sanitizer, wipes, 10 gluesticks, dry erase markers, highlighters, paper plates, etc. etc. The list was almost a full page - and most of it was for classroom / teacher use. It is upsetting. I am sure that the cuts are felt more deeply in the higher grades. . . Kindergarten, after all, is only a few hours a day. I can imagine what is happening at the High Schools right now. I have a friend who is an English teacher. I believe she mentioned having 40 students in a class this year. . . It saddens me, and I hope that other parents are concerned.
I also just started a new term in school. It happens fast. The terms are six weeks long. . . This is my fourth term. There are nine terms and an externship in the program. Each term contains two classes, or six units. One PT course (pharmacy technology) and one GE class. This term is Pharmacy Terminology and Sociology. I'm excited about Terminology. It's foundation knowledge, and seems to be easy. The term also comes with NO spelling tests!! I am not quite as enthusiastic about Sociology. It looks like it's going to be a little daunting. More work, research, and much heavier discussion topics.
More work + less time = extra stress. How am I going to do more, and do it right, when I was barely making it before? Hmm.
Well, it's not just about more schoolwork. I also have work to do now. I will be starting a work-study job at school soon. So there's more homework to do, less time to do it. I'll be spending less time at home, and less time with the boys. J is starting Kindergarten, and I need to have time to work with him and make sure he is focused and learning. When am I going to do that? Who knows. I'm sure I'll find the time once we get going, but thinking about all of it is overwhelming.
One thing that is not overwhelming any more is my financial situation. I don't want to go in to a lot of detail here, but I do feel like a huge weight has recently been lifted off of me. For a while I had to wonder how I was going to make rent, buy groceries, and pay bills on the GI Bill. Now there is a "new" GI Bill, and my burdens are much lighter. I am also looking forward to working at school. I'll have less time, I know, but not as many worries. I don't have to go shopping with my parents because the boys need clothes or school supplies that I can't afford. I didn't like feeling like I couldn't take care of all of those things for myself. We're not going to be rolling in dough, but once things are settled, we will have enough. That makes me feel good.
Wow. Long blog. Thanks to those of you who made it all the way through. So, in a nutshell, things are getting better. My kids are growing up, and we are all excited about school. The house is (more) organized, and easier to maintain now that (almost) everything is unpacked and put away. The only big issue that we still have is bedtime, and I am confident that we will get there.
I feel better. Like I'm just letting go of all of this stuff that I needed to talk about. It's like therapy, only instead of going somewhere and having someone ask me all kinds of questions, I'm sitting in my own chair. . . just saying the things I need to say. My hands hurt, but that's easier to shake off than a stress headache.
Until next time . . . .
~ J
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