Thoughts on a Birthday. . .

Yes, a birthday. For those of you who don't know, it was mine. Until it actually happened, I wasn't very excited about it. I am, as you know, a single mom. Anything for me comes last. This includes the food that I like, clothes I need to wear, and time to myself. I feel guilty for wanting and needing these things. (Will go into this later) On top of this, the boys just had their birthdays not that long ago. Along with the fact that we are still moving in, are short of money, and I don't have many close friends in the area, All of these things made me think that my birthday was going to be (and should be) no big deal.

I was going to let it come and go without a big production. That was okay with me. It wasn't until Friday that I realized that it did matter to those around me - and I was really really excited!

Friday was a day off, due to the coming holiday. We spent the morning being lazy here at home. Around midday I realized that I wanted to do something. We had to get out. I packed a bag and loaded the kids in the car. We grabbed some fast food, and headed toward M and D's new place. We went swimming, joined by an old friend. She was my best friend through High School - in fact, the closest friend from "back then" that I still have. After visiting a while and checking out M & D's new place, we decided it was time to go . . . and go out. Because of being in the Navy, J hasn't spent one of my birthdays with me in years. And she was excited. It made me excited. So off we went. And had a blast! Almost as much fun - or more - than the kids. It's not very often that I get to let loose, and have fun - either with them, or with someone my own age - so that in itself was a great gift! When she brought us back home afterward, I decided to show her one of my favorite knick-knacks, which she gave me for my birthday ten years ago. Hard to believe it's been that long, really. So that was Friday - birthday number one.

Saturday was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, and the holiday, and Sunday we had to try to wind down and get ready for the week. My grandparents (M's mom and dad) took us to dinner on Sunday night (went mostly good) which was a surprise, but very enjoyable. Birthday number two.

Monday was my actual birthday. As I said, I don't have a lot of friends. And because of the state of the house, there is no way I would invite anyone over. . . But I still wanted to do something. So I baked cupcakes. I decorated them all differently with sprinkles and happy faces, and took them to school with me. I shared them, and some apples, with my classmates. After school (1100) I took myself - and a book - out to lunch. Dinner was nothing special; M and I decided that it had been too long a weekend to have another big event so soon. The boys were a little disappointed that we were just eating frozen dinners (they picked them out at the store, which is usually exciting) and had no cake. I told them that it was still my birthday, but we weren't going to have a special dinner until the next day when M & D could come. Bedtime did not go very well that night. Some days it does, some days it does not. I haven't quite figured it out yet. But even with their antics, I still spent some time on the computer. I had lots of well-wishes from family and friends. . . even old friends that I am not often in touch with. It made me feel very special. I went to bed late that night, but happy. Birthday number three.

Tuesday I got out of school and called M. She had told me she was coming here, and wanted to take me shopping. She wouldn't say why, just something she wanted me to have. I've just moved. I have a lot - almost all of it I hadn't seen in nearly a year. What else could she want me to have? I was puzzled. Until we got in the car and she told me. I haven't worn a watch in years. I use my cell phone to tell me what time it is. Even on the ship I didn't wear a watch - I went by the ship's bells, which can sometimes be bad. I was touched that she would think of something like that. And let me pick it out. Watches aren't like candles or books. Every one is different. . . and it seems that I am pickier than most. I am very happy with it, and can hardly believe that my wrist has been so long without a watch! It feels like it was made to be there. A picture of it will have to come soon, I think. Not to brag about what I got, but just because it has made me feel good. Usually I just am. Very few things make me feel good about myself - and even fewer things make me feel pretty or feminine. This watch happens to be one of those few things. That is why I will share it, as soon as I can. . . . . So, once the watch was picked out, it was time to go. We picked up the boys -- who were so happy to see their Grandma there. It was sweet. Anywhoo, we went to the restaurant, and once D got there, we had a very nice dinner. M & D both chose not to come back to the house for cake, but I had promised it to the boys. So I frosted it, then they sang for me (so cute!) and we ate birthday cake. . . . it was from a box, but I still made it myself, and it was good! Birthday number four.

After all of that, I really did feel it. That thing you're supposed to feel on a birthday. . . when all those people come (even though mine were all at different times) and it's your time. Your day. I didn't think that I would get there, but the more that I saw that other people really did care. . . and wanted to see me happy and make me feel special, the more I felt it myself.

I guess Birthdays aren't just for kids, or for big parties. They're for me. Next year I'll remember. And I won't try to ignore it or pretend like it's not coming. I will embrace it, enjoy it, and be happy to be me.

Thanks for those of you who helped me feel special this week. Be sure and let me know when your birthday is. I will make sure you feel special, too.

** You know, there's a reason that I felt the way I did - not just stress and money issues. I usually feel guilty for taking something for myself - buying nice food, getting new clothes, etc. It's too late now, but I'm going to have to explore this topic further. **

Until next time,

~ J