Back on the wagon. . .

The weight loss wagon.  

I'm getting back on.  I have talked about it a few times.  I am not going to be on The Biggest Loser, but I am out of shape in more ways than one.  My strength and stamina are down, and my weight is well above a healthy level.  I'm not looking to be a size six.  I was there for a while, after Boot Camp.  At this point in my life - ten years later, and having given birth to three children - it is unrealistic.  My goal is to be healthy, inside and out.  

The first step to the inner healthiness comes with the decision.  I made that decision.  Mentally, emotionally, I decided that I didn't want to feel unhappy with myself anymore.  I want to feel good and be proud of myself.  I want to be able to go out and know that I look good.  I want to be able to play with the boys until they get tired, not have to stop and sit down because I'm too tired to keep wrestling / running / etc.  

New Year's Day, the day after the boys and I moved in with E, I weighed myself at M&D's house.  I weighed 188 lbs.  I'm a little nervous about putting that out there, but it's about accountability.  I knew I didn't like that number.  It's more than I weighed when I was pregnant with Z.  I decided that it was going to be a "New Year, New Me" . . . We had just moved, I was starting school again.  I was full of hope for my relationship with E.  I believed that at the same time that I was starting a new happy life, I could get myself healthy much easier than in previous attempts to lose weight when I had been alone and depressed.  

Things with E were not happy.  They were miserable, unhappy, and stressful.  But I was busy.  I was unpacking, cleaning, and back in school.  Weight started to come off.  I didn't really see or feel a difference, but the scale showed progress, and I needed a new pair of pants.  I called them my "ten pound pants" . . . and I was both pleased and amazed that I reached ten pounds without going to a gym.  I did walk with the boys around the neighborhood nearly every night, and I paid much more attention to what I was eating.  

Just shortly after the ten-pound milestone, I hit a wall.  At one point, I tried to break through the wall, and I made a little more progress, but I remained stuck at the 19 pound mark.  Things started to get more stressful at home.  I was stuck, at school and at home, both emotionally and physically.  At the lowest point, however, I was much more than stressed.  I was anxious and fearful.  I was barely eating.  Over the weekend when things were really bad, I stayed with M&D for a few days.  I weighed myself on Friday morning, and then later on Sunday afternoon of that really bad weekend.  On Friday, I was at that 19-pound wall.  On Sunday night, I had broken through and made it to 23 pounds down.  It made me feel good to see that number, but I knew that I didn't really lose four pounds in three days.  I figured it was partially stress, and partially because I had hardly eaten. 

The stress continued, and then things began to get better.   While I was getting settled in the new place, my focus was not on myself.  I had to take care of many things, including problems with the boys.  We stopped taking walks.  I ate less health-consciously.  Pounds came back, and I was back on the other side of the wall again.  The new "skinny" jeans still fit me, and the smaller capris that I had . . . but the number was back up.    

I have now broken back through the wall.  Since I have not had contact with E, I have been much less stressed.  I have been thinking more about what I am eating, and trying to be more active.

I don't know what my number is right now, in terms of what I weigh, or how many pounds down I am.  But I feel better.  I know that I am ready to do better.  I am back on the wagon, and looking forward to feeling better and getting healthier as the numbers go back down.  

Stay tuned, as more good news will be coming soon!  

Peace, fruit, and veggies!  

A broken promise . . .

Do you remember when I promised to write every day?  I wanted to, I really did.  I had a lot to say. . . a lot that I was feeling and wanted to share.  SO many things were changing, and so many things were not going well in my life.  I felt like I was unable to blog just as I felt that I was unable to be on Facebook.  Why?  Because a lot of what I felt and what I wanted to say was about E.

Not to worry about that, though.  There is no more E.  The boys and I moved out of his house in just a few days after Heather's birthday.  We stayed with M&D for a week, then moved into a place of our own.  All of the change has not been easy - for me or for the boys - but it's just about over.  I know that I have such good friends you would have been there for me in this rough time, but I felt too afraid to reach out to anyone except for my parents.

I am not going to go into major details except to say that it just didn't work . . . and for all of you now worrying about me, I will say that there was no physical abuse.

What have I learned?  Hmm.  The first few things may sound cliche, but there's a reason that we keep cliches around.  "Look before you leap" . . . and "You never know someone until you live with them" . . .  Yeah.  So.  What else, besides the cliche?  Oh, a lot.  A few things I am just getting to.  I am learning to pay attention to the way that people act and what it means.  I am learning to listen to my children.  They both have their issues, but they're also really smart.  I have learned that instincts are felt for a reason, and the next time I feel an inner voice telling me something is not right, or that I should do something to change what's happening, I will listen to that instinct.

For now, that is all.  I have been thinking about blogging quite a lot.  For those of you who enjoy it, and want to hear more about the boys, our adjustments, and my life as a single mom / student, I thank you.  The writing and posting is somewhat of a therapy for me.  I may need to lock the blog and make it invitation only . . . but we will see how things are going.  So, thanks for coming back.  Thank you all for your support.  My apologies for breaking my promise to keep blogging, but I am back now, and looking forward to things getting better and life being happier again.

Peace, quiet, and finally, bedtime!

Pre-nightmare

No, no, I meant Pre-Calculus.  Maybe it's not *that* bad, but when I start Calculus, I might have nightmares . . .

Ugh.  Seriously.  I'm pretty smart.  I've always thought I'm good at math.  Pre-Calculus, though, is a challenge.  And I'm only in Week 3.  I think my brain is going to be mush by Week 8.  I even have a 180$ calculator (paid 79$ for it) and I still can't figure some of this stuff out.

There is good news, though.  I got an 85% on my test on Monday.  I wish I had done better, but I'm happy with 85%.

Alright, that's all for the Precal nightmare.  More later.

A resolution

I know, I know.  I disappeared again.  I can hardly believe that it has been more than two months.  When I am driving, or at school, I write blog posts in my head.  I just haven't had both the time and the thought when I'm in front of the computer. 

I am beginning to think that I need the outlet.  I usually think that I am "talking" to myself when I write blog posts, but it helps. 

I have heard of people who post a picture - every single day - and blog about it.  I don't know if I can do that with a picture.  But as life goes on with school, the boys, and everyday kinds of stress, I need to have an outlet. 

Is it too late for a New Year's Resolution?  I hope not, because here it is. 

One blog.  Every day.  It might be just a quick note to say "hello, world" or it could be a story of an adventure, a tantrum, or an update on life's events.  If someone reads or comments, I'll feel good . . . but if it's just for me, it will be just for me.  I think it will be a good release for me when things are stressful.  It could also be a good way for me to share good news - with either everyone or no one. 

Alright, that's it for tonight.  Time to go finish my essay.  Maybe tomorrow's post will be the finished product.  Or maybe I'll use tomorrow's post to announce my grade on my first-ever Pre-Calculus test. 

For now,

A good night and good sleep to all!

Things that break your heart . . .

Broken heart number one:

Okay, the scene:  I'm at my desk, reading.  The boys are in the playroom, play-acting a scene from the beginning of Peter Pan. . . then it all stops and gets quiet. 

Z:  Why do Michael and John and Wendy have a father living with them?

J:  I don't know.  We don't have a father.

Z:  No, we don't.

OMG, what do I say?  How do I make that better?  When I heard that, it was just quiet.  Both J and Z's voices when they said it were quiet, too.  Sad, but matter-of-fact.  My heart stopped for a moment.

I used to be the ever-positive one, even when it killed me.  I vowed early on not to "bash" N in front of the boys.  If they have a negative view of him, it's because they have decided for themselves what they think or believe.  I still try, though it gets harder the older they get.  I was going to interrupt and explain to them that they do have a dad, he just doesn't live with us.  It is a delicate subject. . . I have said before that "he's not part of our family" . . . which sounds wrong, but it's not too far from the truth.  I give him updates and tell him stories when he calls, but he's not part of our family.  The older they get, though, the harder it is.  Really.  They understand a lot more than they did years ago.  We separated when I was pregnant with Z, and he walked away from them in January of 2007.  Getting close to 3 1/2 years.  So they don't know him.  But it's sad.  Typical family is a mom, dad, and kids.  And they've never really had that.  No words can really fix it.

But I didn't have to try.  After just a few seconds of quiet, they went right back to playing and singing about happy thoughts and flying to Neverland.

Since it was that easy to get over and go back to their game, I guess it doesn't matter too much.  I'm doing my job . . . or they don't really miss having a dad . . .  or Peter Pan and Captain Hook really were more important in that moment than not having a dad. 

Broken heart number two:

I think every mom has heard it . . . but it still hurts.  Maybe it hurts me more because I'm doing this all by myself . . . or because I know a little bit of the psychology behind it.  They lash out at me because they know I'm here.  I'm always here, no matter what they say or how they treat me.

So, what is it?

I hate you!

Yeah.  It hurts.  And I never know just how to handle it.  I try to brush it off, especially when I know that they're mad.  When they're in trouble, I really try not to show that I care, and stick to the punishment.  It's hard to stick to a timeout, though, when a part of me wants to cry, and another part of me just wants to hug him and tell him that no matter what, I will always love him.   It doesn't matter whether it's J or Z.  It hurts either way.  I also know that they don't really mean it. . . .  But it sucks anyway.  Every time.


*********************************************



That's all for now.  It's time to get out of here.
Time for peace and quiet, and some good weather! 

Annual anxiety . . .

This week I had my annual physical at the VA clinic.  I was very anxious about it.  The anxiety started a few weeks ago when I had my labs drawn in preparation for the appointment.  My biggest worry:  Cholesterol levels.

At the annual physical, it's lab work, a consultation about your general health, any vaccines that are needed,  women's health, eye exam, and anything else that is needed, including referrals to specialists.  Most of that was no problem for me.  I keep up with my Women's health appointments, Counseling, and I'm waiting for my optometry appointment.  The only thing that I wasn't prepared for were my cholesterol test results.

I was afraid of the results, to be honest.  I was afraid that they would be horrible.  I have been trying to make "lifestyle changes" recently, but that's just recently.  It's been a long year and a half. . .  So I didn't think that the changes I have made would be enough to make a difference in the numbers (especially since I don't feel any difference).

As it turns out, I had nothing to be afraid of. 


Total Cholesterol, should be less than 200 points.  In 2008, it was 216.  Now down to 187. 
Triglycerides should be less than 150 points.  In 2008, it was 112.  Now down to 103.
LDL (bad cholesterol) should be less than 160.  In 2008, it was 169.  Now down to 134. 
HDL (good cholesterol) should be greater than 40.  In 2008, it was 25.  Now up to 32.

Improvements, for sure.  Could still be better, and I plan on it.  I am taking another test in six months. 

Here is where I want to hold myself accountable.  I want the numbers to get even better.  I am starting to feel better.  I am working out more often.  Still not every day, but I am getting there.  I am eating better, most of the time.  The kids don't help with that, but I am trying to help myself.  The biggest improvement?  I am happier.  Much happier.  Hold on for six months.  I look forward to see what else I can do.  Better numbers, not just in the Cholesterol test, but on the scale and in body fat, too.  I'm ready!

Goodnight, all. 

Peace, and a trip to the gym!

More A to Z fun . . .

Okay, so Heather thought that the A-Z survey needed a little pizzazing. *jazz hands* So she made her own categories...  and here I go. . .

A -Appointment TV in your house:  The Biggest Loser (aka Fatties).  There are other shows I like love- House, Army Wives, Trauma, 60 minutes, Deadliest Catch -- but they are all watchable online.  TBL doesn't come online until a week later, so it's the one night a week that I actually camp out in front of the TV for two hours. 

B - Best meal someone ever cooked for you: Not a specific meal, but family dinner.  I love family dinners and M & D's house.  Everyone hanging out, visiting . . . and when the main course is ready, everyone pitches in to get dinner on the table.  Good food, Good conversations.  Then everyone pitches in to clean up.  Good times, good times. 

C - Canned veggies, frozen, or fresh?: I love fresh vegetables . . . but I do rely on frozen and canned as well.  They come in handy, and they can be cheaper - especially since they do last longer.   Good, fresh vegetables, though . . . Mmmm!  I can't wait until it's time to start visiting the Farmer's Wife again . . .

D - Dad's influence in your life: Medicine.  I just remember always being interested in medicine.  I didn't realize it until recently . . . but my dad always knew what they did, what medicines worked for what problems . . . and it amazed me, even though I didn't know it.  I'm currently working towards (and almost finished with) an Associates Degree in Pharmacy Technology. Someday I'll go higher . . . further, smarter.  More patient care and more money . . . but it starts here, and it started with Dad. 

E - Eating philosophies: You can have anything, in moderation.  A great philosophy, right?  It works . . . if you follow it, and exercise regularly.  I'm working on that.  I've gone back to eating on a kid-size plate (most of the time) and not eating kid food.  The exercise is coming back to me . . . slowly.

F - Flower you love to receive: Any . . . flowers say something.  It doesn't matter if it (or they) dies in a few days.  There's just something about the gesture.  Unfortunately, it happens so rarely, I hardly remember.  Um, can I insert a hint here?  *wink* 

G - Good old movie you'd recommend: How old?  Hmm.  Have to think about it . . . *five minutes later* . . . Is it cheating to say Gone with the Wind?  It's classic, and covers so much.  Has so many good lines in it, too!  Frankly, my dear . . .

H - Heaven for you is: A good book, a snack, and a cozy place to sit and snuggle.  Or take away the cozy place and take the book and a drink to a bubble bath.  Oh, I miss having a bathtub in my room! 

I - Ice cream flavor that rocks your socks: Cookie Dough or Cookies and cream.

J - Your jam (bread topper and on the radio): Strawberry . . . and I don't know!  Old jam or new jam?  How about a country jam . . .  There are a few right now.  Bonfire and Hillbilly bone will make me stop everything and turn it up.  I also jam to Party in the USA! 

K - Kids that do this crack you up: One thing?  I don't know.  Just the things they say . . . and on-the-spot, I can't think of a good one.  But that's the best part.  Maybe I need to write some of them down . . .

L - Your legacy: My kids.  So far, they are it.  That's why I'm trying to hard to turn them in to good people.  If I can pass something on through them, then I keep going, even when I'm not here anymore..

M - Most Friday nights, you're typically: in "comfies" as soon as I pick up the boys from school.  We have a laid-back, whatever dinner . . . Then it's PJs, movie, and bed.  Unless E comes up for Friday night.  I stay in regular clothes later, and cook a better meal!

N- Nightly habits: First I have to fight my way through dinner, cleaning up, and getting the boys in to bed.  Then it's waiting for the boys to settle down and go to sleep. . . logging off of Facebook, reading for a little while or talking to E on the phone . . . then it's lights out, and I'm out. 

O - On your kitchen counter: I have a lot of counter space!  On one side of the sink is the microwave, with fruit bowl and loaf of bread on top.  On the other side of the sink are my canisters and my spinning spice rack.  (A really cool one that was a gift from M&D a few years ago)  On the other counter is a recipe box that matches my kitchen pattern, and an organizer that has spatulas, ladles, can opener, etc.  There's also randomly mail, a toy, or food on the counter.  It depends on the time of day and the stress level in the house. 

P - You're protective about: My kids!  I try hard to do what I think is best for them.  I take advice, and sometimes some constructive criticism, but most of the time I think I'm doing the best that I can do, and I don't want to be told that I've done something wrong, or that there's something wrong with one of them!

Q - Question you have for the universe: What is on the other side of your belly button? I've had answers to this, but none of them are satisfying. I think someday I need to see it. Or a picture of it.  -- This was Heather's answer, but I am curious, too.  Heather, if you ever find out, let me know! 

R - Running, biking, walking, or driving?: If I had a bike, I would bike everywhere!  Short trips to the store, nice meandering rides through the neighborhood . . . it would be my preferred method of exercising.  I also want a scooter.  Razor makes a grownup version. . . and I was going to buy one with my tax return - too bad I'm not getting one this year.  Anyway. . . Santa Claus, if you're reading this, even though your big day is eight months away, that's what's on my list.

S - Spa treatment: Pedicures. . . . and really, I wish I could have one more often!  I haven't ever had any other spa treatments in the US.  I had a few massages overseas.  One (I believe) was in Dubai, and the other was in Malaysia.  After each one, I ended up feeling much worse - and in pain for a few days afterward.  That's why I'm not crazy about the idea of trying again.  I love pedicures, though . . . and haircuts.  Well, no one's cutting my hair these days, since I'm growing it out.  But just sitting there and having someone play with your hair - the brushing, the cutting, and most especially the washing (and head massage).  Makes me want to go see my stylist just thinking about it!!

T - Talent you use to freak people out: Um, I don't think that I have one.  If anyone who reads this wants to leave a comment, let me know what freaky talent I have.  I'm curious . . .

U- Under your bed, we'd find: An underbed box of duffel bags.  A storage tote of Navy uniforms . . . and a spare case of soda. 

V - Vampires, your opinion?: Retarded. Seriously. Maybe it's because I don't get it, but I think you should all stop reading about them. Or at least stop acting like it's the best thing you ever read. That just means you haven't read anything good. Or maybe just stop talking about it so dang much. Those novels are for 12 year olds, anyway. Okay, so maybe Harry Potter was technically for kids and young adults, too, but whatever.  I started reading them when I was a "young adult" and had to finish the series.  Basically, I just can't stand vampires, and will probably never "get it".  If I see someone with a Team Edward shirt on, it will take me a while to know who Edward is, and even then I won't care.  I'll just think that you need to grow up. 

W - What you would tell your 16 year old self: It doesn't matter that you're not popular.  Enjoy everything you can, anyway.  Love the friends you have, and don't worry about the ones that you don't.  Those other people won't matter in two years when you all move on, anyway. 

X - Extreme for you is: Buying new clothes - whether it's underwear or pants - and not feeling guilty about it.  Actually, whether it's clothes, groceries, or something for the house or the kids, I feel very strange spending anything over 100$ in a single transaction.  That's extreme.  I don't know why, it just is. 

Y - You'd relive this moment from your life if you could: Well, I've had a lot of bad moments . . . but so many good ones, too.  Part of me wants to pick something really cool . . . a Navy moment . . . like standing with the Honor Guard, music playing, and coming down into the hangar bay on the aircraft elevator.  Yeah, that was awesome.  But another, bigger part of me is telling me to pick a kid moment.  For that, I think it's coming home from deployment.  Either one, really.  I was so overcome with emotion.  People who are not in the military just can't imagine it.  Yes, we signed up for it.  It's our job, and we do it with pride . . . but it still hurts to leave your family.  There's just nothing like coming home.  And coming home from a deployment, everyone's in dress.  The ship is playing music, there are flags everywhere, and there, in the middle of that sea of emotion, are your children.  It's huge.  The first deployment, my ex was there, which took away from it a little bit, but there were my children (six months later) and my mom, dad, and aunt.  The second deployment was only 3 1/2 months, and waiting for me were my kids, RL, and AM.  They were my friends, turned live-in nannies, turned life savers, turned lifelong friends.  Still love you guys!   Okay, anyway . . . . getting a little caught up in the moment. 

Z - Zodiac sign--true or crap?: Hmm. I'm inclined to say crap, but sometimes the descriptions do ring pretty true.  I am a cancer.  Okay, so I'm going to go with crap, but every now and again, I am a little curious.  I do think the concept is interesting . . . .  I just don't understand the people who live their lives by them, or want to know someone's sign before even getting to know them.  Like that really tells you what kind of person they are just because of when they were born. . . .


Whew!  That took a while . . . I've worked on this on three separate occasions.  Finally done, but that was fun!  Thanks (if anyone actually read it all) . . . and if you answer the questions, too -- either on Facebook, your own blog, or just in an email -- let me know!! 

It's time for sleep now . . .
Peace and bed everyone!