Things that break your heart . . .

Broken heart number one:

Okay, the scene:  I'm at my desk, reading.  The boys are in the playroom, play-acting a scene from the beginning of Peter Pan. . . then it all stops and gets quiet. 

Z:  Why do Michael and John and Wendy have a father living with them?

J:  I don't know.  We don't have a father.

Z:  No, we don't.

OMG, what do I say?  How do I make that better?  When I heard that, it was just quiet.  Both J and Z's voices when they said it were quiet, too.  Sad, but matter-of-fact.  My heart stopped for a moment.

I used to be the ever-positive one, even when it killed me.  I vowed early on not to "bash" N in front of the boys.  If they have a negative view of him, it's because they have decided for themselves what they think or believe.  I still try, though it gets harder the older they get.  I was going to interrupt and explain to them that they do have a dad, he just doesn't live with us.  It is a delicate subject. . . I have said before that "he's not part of our family" . . . which sounds wrong, but it's not too far from the truth.  I give him updates and tell him stories when he calls, but he's not part of our family.  The older they get, though, the harder it is.  Really.  They understand a lot more than they did years ago.  We separated when I was pregnant with Z, and he walked away from them in January of 2007.  Getting close to 3 1/2 years.  So they don't know him.  But it's sad.  Typical family is a mom, dad, and kids.  And they've never really had that.  No words can really fix it.

But I didn't have to try.  After just a few seconds of quiet, they went right back to playing and singing about happy thoughts and flying to Neverland.

Since it was that easy to get over and go back to their game, I guess it doesn't matter too much.  I'm doing my job . . . or they don't really miss having a dad . . .  or Peter Pan and Captain Hook really were more important in that moment than not having a dad. 

Broken heart number two:

I think every mom has heard it . . . but it still hurts.  Maybe it hurts me more because I'm doing this all by myself . . . or because I know a little bit of the psychology behind it.  They lash out at me because they know I'm here.  I'm always here, no matter what they say or how they treat me.

So, what is it?

I hate you!

Yeah.  It hurts.  And I never know just how to handle it.  I try to brush it off, especially when I know that they're mad.  When they're in trouble, I really try not to show that I care, and stick to the punishment.  It's hard to stick to a timeout, though, when a part of me wants to cry, and another part of me just wants to hug him and tell him that no matter what, I will always love him.   It doesn't matter whether it's J or Z.  It hurts either way.  I also know that they don't really mean it. . . .  But it sucks anyway.  Every time.


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That's all for now.  It's time to get out of here.
Time for peace and quiet, and some good weather! 

Really? Hmm.

Hello, blog. Did you miss me? I missed you. . . Yes, I've been thinking about you. I've been busy, though. . . And lately, I've had the same problem as Heather. . . Do you remember? An old friend of my sister's that I have reconnected with. She got me started blogging because it has helped her so much. E asked her when she was going to blog again. She said she didn't know what to blog about. So he pulled out a random topic and she wrote about it. I can't pull topics out of thin air, so I haven't been writing.

Until today.

My ex-husband got married.

We were married in July 2002, and separated March 2005. It wasn't really a happy marriage, and I'm long over him. Okay, so I do still have some bitter moments every now and again. . . . but mostly, who cares? I don't miss him, or what we had. The biggest emotions I have are loneliness and anger.

So why do I care so much that he got married?

I don't know, really. Perhaps the biggest reason could be that he didn't even tell me. I saw one of those little popups on Facebook: Do you know XYZ? You have 2 mutual friends. . . It was N. I clicked on it, just curious. So there's his picture on the left, and right underneath our mutual friends is a random sampling of his other friends . . . and who do I see but the girl that was his girlfriend -- in a wedding dress, and she has changed her name! Hmm. When was this? Didn't even know that you were that serious. . . And, um, when were you going to tell me?

He left me and I felt like he didn't care, and wondered if he ever had. Most of the time now I still feel like he doesn't care about the boys. Okay, yes. He sent them birthday presents this year (pretty sure that she paid for them). He's joined the Army (leaves in Dec) so that he can start paying child support. And he has asked about Christmas. . . But that hardly makes up for such a huge chunk of time when he has done nothing for J and Z. He hardly knows them. For a very long time, he didn't call and didn't ask about them. For a period of time, I stopped calling him with updates because I wanted him to put forth the effort (and the giveashit) and ask.

Well, now he's married. Again.

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Okay, so I just got off the phone with my cousin. V helped talk me through it. Just because he got married, doesn't mean that he is happy. It just means that he got married. And she is right. . . it doesn't really change anything for me. Before, I was a single mom with two boys. Now I am a single mom with two boys. He still owes us child support. Getting married doesn't change that. So I got it. Take the information. Breathe in, breathe out. . . . And let it go.

My ex-husband got married. So what? Hey, that wasn't so hard.

So, to end. . . I am still a little bit surprised that they are married and I had to find out about it on Facebook. Perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised that he didn't call me, because to me he is still an inconsiderate jerk. But I am over it. It doesn't bother me, and it doesn't affect my boys. Now, a few words from Tanya Tucker : "Honey, you can have him -- I don't want him anymore."

*exhale*

~ J